Brexit: 5 Reasons We’re All Doomed

Hi, Britain. It’s been a rough few days. Let’s sit down with a nice cup of tea and talk over what just happened. As a stuffy British sort I’m still coming to terms with the decision my country has made this week. Unwritten national protocol demands I react by smiling through gritted teeth and keeping my mouth shut.

Unfortunately, I feel compelled to write something or I might explode. To work around my predicament then, I have decided to deploy the Chandler Bing approach. Or in the words of Deadpool:

Deadpool and his pain

See, I’m becoming more and more convinced that our decision to leave the European Union will doom us all. It’s like a child dropping their favourite teddy bear down the toilet; we’ll only think about the soggy mess once we’ve finished playing with the flusher.

And yes, expect hyperbole and hysteria. It’s just where I’m at right now. So, here are five reasons Brexit is going to send Britain to the dogs:


1. Europe and the rest of the world are going to hate us.

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We live in a crazy, mixed up world, a giant spiders web where everything is connected to everything else. It’s in this mixed up world that we voted for Brexit, and as a result sent Asian stock markets reeling. In the space of one night we managed to alienate Europe, Asia and the United States (the Dow Jones also took a hit). Guys, I hate to break it to you, but if this were a movie, we’d be the bad guys. The one you just know is going to betray the team, then does it anyway. What a dick. We’re like Cypher in The Matrix or Saruman in Lord of the Rings.

That teddy bear we just flushed down the toilet? There’s now a puddle spreading across the entire bathroom and no one can use the other stalls until a janitor arrives to mop it up.


2. We are now a tiny fish surrounded by sharks.

Bruce the Shark, and friends
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One of the key things the EU has done for its member states is negotiate their terms of trade with the rest of the world. But Chris, I hear you say, that’s precisely why we left. Who wants a bunch of bureaucratic European nobs dictating how we sell our baked beans to Africa? Well, maybe you have a point, or maybe organising as a trade bloc means we don’t all have to spend a fortune on trade bureaucracy and we have more clout to get a more favourable deal.

As a Billy-no-mates drifting next to Europe, the amounts we can sell and buy shit for will be skewed heavily against us. When China or America sits down to talk trade with the EU, they come prepared to compromise. When they pull up to negotiate with Britain, we’re pretty screwed.


3. The British Empire is not a thing anymore.

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It’s strange we need reminding of this still, but the truth is Britain is kind of small and shitty these days. Sure, the City of London means we can call ourselves the whatever biggest economy in the world, but the truth is we’ve not been a real superpower since the Second World War. The only thing the rest of the world remembers about the British Empire these days is that a few hundred years ago we marched into their country, stole all their nice things, and were total dicks about it.


4. Wait, are Brexit leaders actual Bond Villains planning to steal your employment rights?

Dr Evil
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This is not a joke, by the way. So many of the protections you depend on at work come from EU employment law, and Team Leave have already hinted how much of this they want to toss on a bonfire. Pro-Brexit MP Priti Patel has staked out her opinions on the matter, hopeful that getting rid of the laws would boost our economy.

What laws though? How about protections for agency and part time workers? Limits to protect us from excessive working hours? Laws against age and gender discrimination? Oh, and how about the right to be informed if your employer is about to do something that might affect your job?


5. Our economy may soon be so bad, cats and dogs will start living together.

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If you were up early Friday morning you might have noticed the breakfast television people talking about some economics. There was probably a graph, right? And at the end of the graph the squiggly line probably veered sharply downward like the edge of a cliff? That’s because hysterical stock market people around the world had a mass panic attack at what we just did.

Now, I’m not normally someone with much time for stock market people in their magical money clouds, but I know enough to know how screwed we probably are. The Economist reckons we’re headed for another recession, with a tumbling pound meaning our pay packets will look the same on paper but will actually be worth less. All those companies that were thinking about investing in Britain, bringing jobs and money, will now be wondering whether it’s worth it without access to the European single market.

Oh, and remember what I said about how interconnected the world is now? A recession in Britain will likely hit the rest of the world hard, not least Europe. It’s like we just ran across the beach kicking down everyone else’s sandcastles.

Thanks, Nigel Farage. Thanks, Boris Johnson. Sit back and watch the world burn. I wonder if you’ll realise it’s your fault.

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