How To: Bank Holiday

Get down on your knees and pray to the god of lazing about in your undergarments: the final Bank Holiday until September for us Brits is here.

For the uninitiated and Azerbaijani (I know one or two of you guys frequent CV), a Bank Holiday is essentially a day when everyone in the United Kingdom fucks off all responsibilities and enjoy a day off work. We treasure our Bank Holidays here like the rare jewels that they are as we have the least out of any country in Europe. Sad but true.

So, rather than letting today fly past you in a haze of Jeremy Kyle and picking lint out of your belly button, try these few tips on how to optimise your Bank Holiday for maximum awesome.

 

Rob a Bank

Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this before? It’s the perfect opportunity to procure some pesos to your name.

As all the accountants and other people who earn a wage by stealing your money are off buggering about, most banks will be totally empty. Simply place some C4 (admittedly you may have to eBay this) all over the bank of your choice in random locations before detonating them and you’ll have a high chance of gaining entry into the vault.

Fill up your swag bags and then shout at the top of your lungs: “DEREK, WE’RE OFF TO BENIDORM” for extra points.

 

Go on a sock hunt

Have you ever looked in your sock drawer and noticed that it seems to be getting emptier and emptier? This is because the absolute bastards keep running away.

Now that you have the spare time, why not hunt them down and return them to their cage? Working the 9-5 barely leaves you with a chance to search for a sense of self-worth, let alone grubby old socks with Alan Shearer’s face on. This is why Bank Holiday Mondays are great.

If you aren’t lying flat on your belly, trying to track down all of your fugitive socks wherever they may be lurking throughout your day off then you, my friend, are an idiot.

 

Take up a hobby

“I sure would like to learn how to knit,” you whisper during your lunch break in the office, trying not to let everyone see the single tear streaking down your face and onto your bottom shelf breakfast bar.

When will you have a better chance to learn than on God’s professional day off? Go to the library and pick out the perfect guide, watch some videos on the YouTube or just learn as you do – I won’t hear any excuses as to why not.

If you can knit a gun and rob a bank, I will be hugely impressed. Just saying.

 

Spunk Your Money

Thanks to the advent of something called human rights, many employees throughout the country can claim holiday pay so that they’re still receiving their wage despite having the day off.

HOW FANCY.

Thanks to this, you should definitely see that £50 you’ve earned for doing sweet piss all as a freebie and spend it on something ludicrous. Why not pay for lessons on how to knit from a retired cat burglar? Two birds, meet stone.

 

Quit your job

Forget just Bank Holidays, this is the most fun thing you can do on any day of the year. Enjoying your Monday off may just make you realise that you want to be free from your work FOREVERMORE.

As glorious as that sounds (forevermore is such a strong word), you may have to actually let someone know that you’ve quit your job – you don’t want anyone bashing your door down and finding you with a knitted gun chasing a rogue sock around your apartment.