‘How do I leave Facebook?’
My dear, despite the mundane topic you have thrown at me, I will help you. Not because I should, or because I want to, but simply I have nothing better to do now that I’ve consumed everything in my kitchen and am sitting on a sofa, taking up far too much space to justify existence.
I either end everything now, or write this, and anything to delay the inevitable failed attempt at attention is a positive, I suppose.
So here is a list of what you should or probably shouldn’t do:
1) Go to your profile, settings, security, ‘deactivate your account’, go outside, take a photo of a baby, go to jessops, print out 240 copies, and mail them to all your friends, go home, make a cup of tea, sit down and wish you could have showed your random child photo on Facebook. Repeat with food, nights out, and photos of yourself.
2) Realise that it’s a greater world you live in when you don’t have to look at these fuckers when they say the exact same internet acronyms in real life, and you have to pretend to laugh, whereas you’re actually going through various scenarios of killing everything that gets in your way.
3) Set yourself on fire because there is no other way of leaving Facebook, without leaving the world. Why? Go on, try and delete your Facebook. You can’t and you know why? Because they won’t let you. Facebook holds all your information forever and there’s no escape. Even if you don’t create a Facebook page, they find a way to put you there. You fucked up by having an internet presence.
Goodbye.
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