Your favourite agony aunt is back as a resident on Cultured Vultures, so please bear with her as she readjusts under the spotlight.
First and foremost, I’d just like to address the rumours. No, I did not go up in flames, riding a unicorn into the sunset, draped in rare furs, a fag in my mouth and a bottle of wine strapped to my arm. Neither did I run away to the middle of the Earth with Bigfoot and start a hair removal salon for the creatures of the underworld.
What happened is a mystery, cloaked in smoke and piss stained alleys. But now Agony Auntie Peatree Bojangles is back, I’m here to help. Let me use my extensive knowledge on how to angle your Louboutins when piercing someone’s shinbone, and apply it to your dull lives.
What do i do when my boyfriend doesn’t touch the sides? If a woman was to ask a question like that… some . . err . . friend of mine would find it very beneficial!
Darling! Do I know you? When I lived in the sordid underbelly of Manchester, there was the famous Cherry Pop a.k.a. Wind Tunnel, who unfortunately I had an altercation with, involving too many bottles of Lambrini and her party trick. I digress, Cherry Pop has embraced her never ending vagina walls, she wouldn’t be openly addressing me on the internet. She has her own website in fact.
Where was I?
Yes. Your vagina is huge. Wait. I’m assuming that was the question. Unless he doesn’t touch the sides of any object and therefore suffers from a mental illness which supersedes knowledge beyond any of my own ailments, I suggest you just walk away and he won’t be able to grab you to get you back.
Anyway, vaginas.
Maybe this is not your fault? Have you considered that? I haven’t until now. Maybe his dick is too small? How about you sleep with some men with various sized dicks and then make a scientific judgement (using the mean average of the measurements) to see whether it’s you or him.
Other than that, the only other advice I can offer you is Cherry’s number, maybe you can become a two person act. I suggest the name ‘Whistling Thighs’.
Good luck babe x
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