Whether we’ll actually admit it or not, we all want a better body. The gym culture is a huge part of our generation; I’m sure every person reading this has at least one ‘gym bunny’ on their Facebook, or there may even be a few people reading who are self-confessed addicts themselves. And there is nothing at all wrong with this. It’s your body, treat it as you like, you’re stuck with it after all. However, for all the people who treat their bodies like a temple, there are others – like myself – who treat it like a waste unit.
The thing is, it’s not like I don’t exercise. Being a writer, I spend a lot of my time at my laptop, sitting down, so I understand the importance of being active. I have another job in which I’m on my feet all day, I dance regularly, and whenever I can, I walk to places rather than taking a taxi or a car, weather permitting. My biggest problem is controlling my intake of food. I have absolutely no concept of portion control, and I constantly eat the wrong things. So every now and again, I make a plan to be healthy, to stop eating so much crap and to get a proper system in place. This, I imagine, is what a lot of people who are in my position also go through.
So, these are the six stages of going healthier.
Stage One: ENOUGH! I’m going HEALTHY, DAMMIT!
This is the stage where we are in the shower, staring down at our bloated stomach, and decide that enough is enough. We’ve treated our bodies in this way for far too long, and now we are beginning to feel the effects. We feel sluggish, low on energy, always hungry, and we know that it’s because we’re not treating ourselves right. So, we stage an intermission, and we make a plan.
Stage Two: The master plan
We have never felt more ready or more motivated in our entire lives. We plan to do everything that we’ve never done: we’ll put aside half an hour each night for vigorous exercise. We’ll go shopping and buy all of the healthy food, absolutely no junk allowed. We will stick to this healthy plan, no crying, no complaining, and absolutely no breaking the rules. And we will feel better than we ever did. High fives all around, we’re doing it, we’re really doing it!
Stage Three: Lights, camera…action!
It has begun! We are in week one, and the plan is well and truly being carried out. We are bringing packed lunches into work, and resisting every form of temptation, and we feel all powerful! Someone at work asks if you fancy going to McDonald’s for lunch, and instead of gleefully accepting and discussing how many calories you’re going to consume, you treat them with ice-cold contempt and watch them leave with disgust. Do they not know that you’re trying to be healthy over here? The disrespect!
Stage Four: Why don’t I feel amazing yet?!
This is pretty self-explanatory, surely. I mean, it’s been a whole week! Why don’t I feel like a walking Actimel advert with a sudden passion for protein shakes and a burning desire to climb Mount Everest? I bought a vegetable the other day, for fuck’s sake! And I’ve been having skimmed milk on my Coco Pops! Why is nothing happening?!
Stage Five: Fuck this, I’m DONE
Y’know what, that’s it! This is my body and this is how it’s going to be! Who needs a washboard stomach and thighs of steel anyway? It’s attractive for a man to have some love handles to grab. My expanded stomach is a sign that I enjoy the finer things in life. And I am happy with that. In fact, no, I am thrilled! This is me. This is how it was meant to be. Now who’s up for a KFC to celebrate, eh?
Stage Six: ENOUGH! I’m going HEALTHY, DAMMIT!
Don’t raise your eyebrow at me, this time it’s for real! No more!