5 Worst Songs of 2015 So Far

In January, I read an “article” (I use the term in the loosest possible sense) on Buzzfeed suggesting that 2015 was going to be the best year for music, ever. Despite the article being right about Kendrick Lamar and Drake, the rest of the year in music so far has been nothing short of abhorrent. Perhaps this will improve as summer turns into autumn, but considering the musical waste has been poured on us for the past seven months, one is not hopeful. Here’s a five strong list of the worst offenders – the worst songs of the year – so far.

Uptown Funk (Trinidad James Remix) – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars

Trinidad James has never been the hottest property in hip-hop, even less so since his decline following the minutes of misery that were “All Gold Everything”, where James successfully managed to try and rhyme “chain” and “ring”. But putting his tepid bars on top of runaway number one Uptown Funk signalled a new low for the for the rapper whose phrase “don’t believe me, just watch” had been interpolated on the original record. The original record was nothing to speak of, but after incorporating James’ weak claims to “like himself on Instagram”, the track has gone from annoying to downright unlistenable. Atlanta is a hotbed for hip-hop, but James is one diamond short of a chain – nowhere is that more apparent than on this remix.

 

KSI ft. P Money – Lamborghini

There was a moment where I was genuinely reluctant to put this track on the list, owing to a cracking performance from P Money. However, this attempt to give comedy-gamer and lad-humour spouting dolt KSI some legitimacy does not manage to keep this abhorrent ode to the Italian supercar off the list. KSI’s screaming into the microphone is completely unnecessary, over a trap beat that is unimaginative makes the track inaudible, and the sink in quality from P Money’s slick work to KSI’s bragging shrieks is a descent too far for any discerning listener. There’s a lesson here: pre-existing fame does not good music make. Ask Paris Hilton.

 

Madonna – Bitch I’m Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj

Kissing random shirtless jocks? Lipstick lesbianism? Trap music? Diplo?

Most people would probably agree that the articles described best befitted an artist like Miley Cyrus, not the fifty-six year old Madonna. Sadly, you’d be mistaken.

This dub-filled mess of a record showed the world that the final nail had been put in Madge’s career some time ago. The faded star, probably still stinging from reviews of her previous album, MDNA, even called on chart-stalwart Nicki Minaj to return as her rapping henchwoman in her desperate scramble for an ounce of relevancy. The brutal truth is that no amount of Nicki Minaj, nor raunchy, faux-relevant video could begin to help Madonna re-climb Mount Relevance. Instead, she looks more and more out of place the longer the sorry film drags on, as the track produced to accompany zigzags between dubstep and vocoded nonsense. This song is a grim reminder of how even someone who was once at the top of their game can mutate beyond all recognition into something truly awful.

 

Bring Me The Horizon – Throne

During my first listen of Throne, I wondered how this song had somehow meandered into being. Perhaps Oli Sykes had picked up Enter Shikari’s last album? Perhaps he’d suffered a nasty bash to the head whilst listening to Crossfaith? Whatever happened, he’s dragged Bring Me The Horizon into pop-metal territory and produced, in comparison to last year’s superb Sempiternal, some god-awful music. The track meanders between synth and faux-down, sacrificing the brutality Bring Me perform so well for mediocre emo-core.

What made this track so disappointing was Bring Me The Horizon’s previous work. I’ve enjoyed their work backing up to “It Never Ends”. This new single, however, may as well be titled “It Never Improves” – rubbish breakdowns, weak vocal strength and less intricate guitar work allow it to be featured on this list.

 

Silento – Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)

Rap dances looked tired by the time Soulja Boy released Crank That. However, the dead horse continued to be whipped to a skeleton, and the latest to crack the whip is Silento. Previously unheard of, one can only hope that his name slips into the chasm from whence it came for giving us this pile of moronic dance moves. They don’t even make sense. How do I break my legs? What is a Nae Nae? How did the Stanky Leg come to be, and why does it stink so? These are all questions that aren’t answered, nor is the question of why this record was funded, recorded, or even exists.

When Soulja Boy was popular, he was writing for the ringtone market. But in 2015, who buys ringtones anymore? This song is the pinnacle of idiocy, and it will serve as a warning to future generations that this generation, instead of tackling poverty or climate change, decided to do the Stanky Leg.