The 5 Worst Songs of 2013

As the year wraps up, Cultured Vultures take a look at some of the musical flops of 2013.

It’s been a strange old year for music with some instant classics released but also some real stinkers adorning the radios of white vans across the country. At the risk of sounding cantankerous, there’s been a blight of shite from all angles which has shuffled its way into the charts this year.

So, what are the 5 worst songs of 2013 which have made us want to inject earworms directly into our cochleas? As a point of creating variety, any talent show contestants have been omitted because, let’s be fair, they get enough flak for being generally rubbish and Steve Brookstein.

5. Iggy Azalea – Bounce

Such a non-entity of a song that it’s almost hard to even remember it, this song has quite easily been left awash in a sea of club “bangerzzz” this year.

Offering nothing new in any sense, all the classic signs are there of generic rap-house-dance-electro (or rapdan houtro for short). Repetitive chorus that sounds like a malfunctioning robot? Check. Reiteration of getting down, shaking or bouncing it over and over again? Yuhuh. Australian woman in India riding an elephant in garb which can only be described as Loki from Thor in the music video? Err, yeah actually.

 

4. Kanye West – Bound 2

Fawned over by critics who must have mistaken this for a novelty soundboard, this car crash of random noises cannot even be saved by Kim Kardashian’s airbrushed nerps.

The diagnosis here is that Kim would not let him play swingball in the yard one day so Kanye vented his frustration out on the stock sounds button on his Fisher Price keyboard. Proclamations of “genius” and a “return to form” are way off kilter as the only noteworthy thing to come from this is the spoof by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

3. Tom Odell – Another Love

Imagine if Dr. Frankenstein had not been farting around with bits of dead people but had instead, for example, harvested all the worst parts of the male soloist over the last 10 years and subjected the inhumane creature to years of physical and mental abuse.

You’d end up with Tom Odell: a melodramatic singer songwriter who has honed his skills at the plinky-plonky piano for years. Another Love is one of those songs that if you were depressed, it’d give you the courage to continue living as you’d want to stop people from suffering in a world with this dreary shit on the airwaves.

Ed Sheeran, that one from Snow Patrol and the butter addict from Keane: you have a lot to answer for.

 

2. Pitbull – Feel This Moment ft. Christina Aguilera

What even is this. Really now.

How is this guy still releasing music? Why has no-one tasered him in the throat yet? Without doubt, one of the most illegitimate human beings on the planet, Pitbull’s SOMEHOW smash hit of 2013 has had the man seeing dollar bills in his dead, little eyes all year long.

There is literally nothing outstanding about this song and it has all the landmarks of another sample-heavy release from the rapdan houtro scene. The only thing remarkable about this is how it looks like people actually pay with real money to see this guy perform live.

Must be witchcraft.

1. Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines

Remember earlier in the year when the whole of the Western world sort of lost their sanity and thought this prolapse from Robin Thicke (sorry, #THICKE) actually qualified as music and not a massively sexist clusterfuck of sound? Ah, to be young again.

As infectious as a daiquiri served in a Benidorm dive, Blurred Lines actually sounds like an unfinished song. It seems as if all manner of kitchen appliances are being twatted constantly with a bored studio musician playing the bass in the background just to pay his rent. The worst of all? The incessant random grunting which is far too reminiscent of that time you caught your uncle and his friend “wrestling” in the shed.

Let’s not even begin to weigh in on the lyrics. Let’s just say they rhyme from the downright stupid (“what rhymes with hug me?”) to the outright misogynistic which is not helped by the chauvinistic video.

Whatever the legacy that’s left behind by this song, we should all rest safe in the knowledge that Mr. Thicke will probably be fondling giant furry balls of his own in the not too distant future.

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