2015 General Election: What You Need to Know

Today I remove my sexual libertine hat and don my political cap. It’s time you got up to speed with what’s been going down and make sure you know your options ahead of tomorrow’s big day.

 

“But I haven’t even thought about it… what are my options?”

Really? You’ve been able to escape the constant election updates? Bravo. Well, here’s a summary.

 

CONSERVATIVES

Pros:

• Serious about the economy

Cons:

• By serious about the economy, I mean will screw over the poor to ensure the bankers get away with how much they’ve messed up the countries economy

 

LABOUR

Pros:

•  Cares about the workers (increased minimum wage, access to childcare)
• Will boost NHS

Cons:

• Neo-labour can’t be trusted. Basically a lesser form of conservative.

 

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

Pros:

• Increase tax free allowance whilst taxing the rich
• Promises the world

Cons:

• Are probably lying. Not sure, can’t find them up Cameron’s bum.

 

GREEN PARTY

Pros:

• Cares about the poor and the environment (Aka, the good guys)

Cons:

• All the left wingers have flocked to them whilst half of them haven’t actually read their manifesto and have no idea what they’re voting for (Hint: It’s not as good as you think)

 

SNP

Pros:

• Wants affordable homes and is anti-trident

Cons:

• Don’t go, Scotland – we love you!

 

PLAID CYMRU

Pros:

• Wales actually gets a lot of things right, so they’re probably worth listening to

Cons:

• Most of us can’t pronounce ‘Plaid Cymru’

 

UKIP

Pros:

• Yay a party for racists
• Really useful way of knowing who to unfriend on Facebook

Cons:

• If you like them, congratulations, you’re racist, stupid or both.

 

“Well they all sound crap. Is there anyone else I can vote for?”

Well actually yes. There are plenty of smaller parties that don’t get the air time (and thus the same chances) as the bigger parties. This is actually a pretty big issue with the current political system. Nevertheless, here is a summary of your other options – be sure to check who is running in your constituency.

• Respect – A Labour spin off that does what it says on the tin
• Democratic Unionist Party – A  Northern Irish party formed of unionists
• Scottish Greens – Like the Green Party, but Scottish
• Sinn Fein – Nationalist party in Northern Ireland
• Alliance Party – Tries to be friends with every party of Northern Ireland
• Traditional Unionist Voice – Spin off from DUP
• Green Party NI – …somehow I think you can figure this one out
• Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition – Remember when Labour had a backbone? Yeah I’m too young to remember to. But if history says anything, TUSC is prepared to fight the battles Labour started.
• Socialist Labour Party – Similar core ethos to TUSC but wants out of the EU

Other parties include; Yorkshire First, People before profit, Whig party, Animal Welfare Party, The Monster Raving Loony Party, Cannabis is Safer Than Alcohol and Pirate Party UK… but if you want to know more you’ll have to do your own research.

 

“I don’t like any of these, I think I’ll just not vote… That will show them!”

No, no, no… please don’t.

Around a third of the country did not vote in the last election. Do you know what their impact was? Nil. Nada. Nothing. If you absolutely have to make it known that none of the parties are diddly squat, you’re better off spoiling your vote. Check out more information on that here.

However, I really must implore you to cast an actual vote. Tactical voting isn’t pleasant, I completely understand that. Politics is rotten to the core when our freedom of speech comes down to choosing between the lesser of two evils. However, that doesn’t make it any less important. If we can’t fight for what we want on polling day, we certainly have to stand up to what we oppose. For me, that is cuts for the poor, tax relief for the rich and racism but you have to find your own things.

Now, for those of you saying it is an act of rebellion I can say only this. Where the hell are you when election time isn’t coming up? We don’t need political activists for a couple of a months once every five years. We need people who will stand up to the system and fight every damn day that the system is corrupt. If we want change we have to MAKE change and that will not come from inaction on polling day.

 

“Yeesh, alright, I get it. So what can I expect to happen?”

Well, you’ll have all the instructions on your poll card. So you’ll arrive at your local venue, go to a private space and make a cross by the party/candidate of your choosing.

The polling closes at 10 pm and it will be around midnight that the first seats start coming in. We can expect a final result sometime on Friday, most likely in the afternoon.

The easiest route to being Prime Minister is in what is called a majority in the House of Commons. This would mean their party has more candidates than the other parties put together. Without this, we enter a hung parliament. This is what happened in 2010 and frankly is more than likely going to happen again this week.

When this happens, the candidates will seek to make deals with other parties and form a coalition. Negotiations can take some time but a definite answer should be reached no later than Wednesday 27 May.

Parties can also rule with a minority through systems of confidence and supply (a smaller party will support the government and supply votes) or vote by vote system where other parties vote over whether they will back the government or not.

 

“So to summarise, we need to play the game tactically but strike as soon as we can?”

Pretty much. Yep.

 

“Great. Will you go back to talking about sex and stuff now?”

Yes. Boobs are great. If you won’t go vote for me, do it for boobs. Because boobs hate Tories and racists.