8. Pitbull – ‘Timber’ ft. Ke$ha
INT. A RECORD STUDIO THAT TIME FORGOT
Two jaded, balding men sit at a desk with the remnants of the music industry quivering in the corner. Taylor Swift, its chosen guardian, is nowhere to be seen.
EXEC NO. 1
Jeff, we need a hit.
EXEC NO. 2
How about we get two of the least likable popstars to make noise over the top of a stolen loop?
EXEC NO. 1
I love you.
The pair dry hump on top of the music industry, causing a crack in it from which the low grumble of Satan can be heard. Taylor Swift has doomed us all.
7. The Chainsmokers – ‘Selfie’
Self-aware statement on social media or so oblivious that the producers have gurned so hard taking photos of themselves over the past year that it’s now their face forever? I lost it a bit at the end of that sentence, but basically, this song is a lot like being stuck on a bus with teenagers playing music in the backseats. It hurts your ears, you want to twat something or someone and you now definitely never want to procreate ever again.
6. Sam Smith – ‘Money On My Mind’
You know a song’s in trouble when singing in a ridiculously high pitch is the only way to distract from the insipid lyrics. I have nothing against Sam Smith, in fact, I feel absolutely nothing towards him. Listening to his music is like licking a vanilla ice cream in a beige-coloured room as someone reads you the transcript to a whole series of Countryfile.
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