From the makers of Beat Up John Cena, the long-awaited sequel – Beat Up Shane McMahon.
After asking Smackdown GM Daniel Bryan if Shane McMahon is in the building (he’s not), AJ Styles makes his way to the ring and talks about how great it is to beat up Shane McMahon.
AJ apologises for nothing after the beating he put on Shane last week, saying it felt good to put him through a car window.
AJ accepts Shane’s challenge for a match at Wrestlemania 33 – he wants to be at Mania. Styles says that Smackdown plummets without him and their social media crashes like Shane through a car window (he’s not wrong).
He finishes by saying he’s going to meet McMahon in the parking garage where things will go from bad to phenomenally worse. Because he’s phenomenal. Get it?
Daniel Bryan has a phone call with Shane, and they discuss sneaky-sneak plans, like a couple of sneaky-sneak boys.
Corbin enters and asks if Dean Ambrose is here to accept his challenge. But as he isn’t, Corbin gives himself the night off for blackjack (and hookers?).
Bryan says nay good sir, for ye will do battle with Sir Slither of Arson this very night! (He was booked for a match with Orton.)
Next, as previously announced on Twitter, American Alpha faced The Usos for the Smackdown Tag Team Championships. A strong match here saw the Usos continue to have Alpha’s number, after crotching Jordan and finishing him with a superkick.
New champs!
Following that, The Miz and Maryse present ‘Total Bellas Bulls***’, with Miz playing Robo-Cena and Maryse as both of the Bellas. Robo-Cena keeps talking down to The Bellas like misbehaving dogs for breaking his many house rules and tease him proposing many times. Strong stuff here.
Orton and Corbin had a decent match, with Corbin looking fairly strong. Ambrose returned to distract The Lone Wolf, causing him to eat an RKO for the loss. Orton obviously wasn’t losing here.
After the match, Ambrose accepts his Intercontinental Championship challenge for Wrestlemania, and hits him with Dirty Deeds for good measure. It’s a shame Corbin had to lose in the build-up to his biggest match yet at Mania, but at least he was somewhat protected with the distraction finish here.
Backstage, Orton doesn’t know how to rid himself of Bray Wyatt. Suddenly, the lights flicker and he is surrounded by figures on goat masks, before taking a beating in the most terrifying hazing ritual ever. I’m sure I’ve seen something like that on the internet before. Wyatt appears, speaking demon and wielding a large paddle with a big red X on it. CM PUNK RETURN CONFIRMED.
Wyatt says he and Sister Abigail are now one and he has her power, before singing to Orton. Burning a man’s shack will do spooky things to a dude.
Lance Catamaran had enough of Chett Chetterfield’s nonsense and beat him in a ‘We Want Southpaw’ match.
Becky Lynch vs Carmella went to a no-contest, as the match very quickly broke down with most of the SD women’s roster brawling. They’re playing up the chaotic nature of the Mania match, with an ‘anything can happen’ vibe, given that all we know so far is that Alexa Bliss will be defending against any available woman of the roster.
In part two of ‘Total Bellas Bulls***’, Robo-Cena tells ‘Nikki’ he loves her by using cue cards, and the two continue to play on the fact that Cena will not propose to Nikki. As much fun as these segments are (and they are worth checking out) it does make me wonder if the real John Cena may actually propose to Nikki at Wrestlemania 33.
Backstage in the parking lot, AJ is still waiting on Shane, but gets Slater and Rhyno. If I turned up for work that late, I’d have been fucking fired. Why do the rules not apply in wrestling?! I demand law and order.
In the arena, Shane’s music hits and he comes to the ring, sporting a black-eye from last week’s assault.
As they couldn’t resolve their differences like men, Shane calls out AJ Styles. Styles appears and apologises to McMahon, explaining the position he was in. No sooner does Styles get in the ring though does McMahon go on the attack with his crazy hippity-hoppity rabbit jabs. The brawl spills outside where AJ suplexes Shane into the barricade. AJ dismantles the announce table, but Shane fights back, hits Styles with a monitor and then climbs the top rope, and nails Styles with a huge elbow through the table to close out this week’s Smackdown!
This was a nice way to end the show, giving a lot of sceptics of an AJ/Shane match a taste of the potential craziness to come. I do wish they hadn’t have given away Shane’s table spot though, as that would be something to look forward to at Mania. Hopefully crazy Shane doesn’t injure himself prior to their match.
Talking Smack
Renee welcomes us to the show, and Daniel Bryan says he is pumped over Shane McMahon’s actions tonight.
Ambrose shows up and he is pissed off. He calls Corbin a miserable bastard, but then calms down a bit and calls Talking Smack his favourite show. What a guy.
They discuss Orton and Wyatt, before hyping Wyatt vs Luke Harper next week.
The Usos are out next and in high spirits after their title win tonight. They want to know what Bryan has planned for them at Mania, and D-Bry says he has something planned. They say they want to fight ‘Bullet Club’ and combine the Smackdown and Raw tag titles. Renee jokes it would make a purple title, so The Usos petition for 305 Live! (The Usos here are so different from the characters they portray on Smackdown. It’s strange but great).
It’s mentioned that Roman Reigns had congratulated them on Twitter, and then The Usos invite Bryan to the casino with them. Growing your own vegetables makes you cool, don’t you know. After some singing, Bryan proposes their group be called ‘Sweet Beets’. The Usos didn’t like that, and leave Talking Smack, talking Bryans mic and show sheet.
They briefly recap the Smackdown women’s chaos earlier. Bryan loses his mind when Ellsworth appears. “The Big Hog took it to the face!”
John Cena and Nikki Bella are guests next. They talk briefly about Miz and Maryse parodying them earlier, but Nikki knew what she was getting into when she agreed to do reality TV. Regardless, she says Maryse is jealous and she hates seeing women tear each other down.
Daniel wants Cena’s thoughts on things, and Cena shoots on Miz, saying Mike’s best work is when he’s being someone else and that Maryse finally did work. Wowzers. He rips into the pair a bit more, before quoting the late, great Tex Ferguson: “you’re going to be counting the lights, cowboy.” Woo – tangy.
Bryan is loving Cena tearing into Miz. They wrap things up with a final shout out to ‘Sweet Beets’ and the ‘Get Usos on Mania’ Twitter campaign.
Still easily the most fun WWE programme every week, this was another stellar instalment and I wish Renee and Daniel were my parents.
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