How Wrestlemania 33 Will Happen
Cultured Vultures has been granted a crystal ball, and we've had a glance at how Wrestlemania 33 will go down. Spoilers ahead.
Wrestlemania 33 kicks off with a promo from Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan. Essentially, they just come out and say what a success the Brand Split has been for Smackdown Live. We’ve seen some stars born, stars like Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper. They are really playing on the fact Smackdown has been the better show to watch.
Then, out comes Stephanie McMahon to deliver a promo in her full Heel persona. During this promo, she continuously mentions how much of a failure Mick Foley has been in his duty as General Manager. Constantly undermining both the top stars, as well as herself. She then mentions Foley has been relieved of his duties and she has found a fitting replacement. In fact, that replacement is in attendance tonight. Suddenly, the lights and the Titantron go dark.
30 seconds or so pass, nobody saying anything, the crowd is confused. Then, Kurt Angle’s music hits and the crowd goes insane. Michael Cole says, “The Olympic hero has finally come home”. Kurt walks slowly down the ring, taking in the reaction. He eventually gets into the ring. He thanks the crowd for such an amazing homecoming and promises to do a better job than “the previous General Manager”. He shakes Shane and Daniel’s hands, then they all head to the back.
Match One is set to begin, and it is the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal.
18 Competitors are in the ring already. They are Rusev, Jinder Mahal, Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, Dolph Ziggler, Apollo Crews, Kalisto, James Ellsworth, Heath Slater, Rhyno, Primo, Epico, R-Truth and Goldust, Tyler Breeze, Fandango, Bo Dallas and Mojo Rawley.
The Big Show and Braun Strowman get their own entrances because they are the bigger stars.
All of a sudden, Kurt Angle’s music starts. He stands on the stage and says “after deliberation with management from both shows, the winner will be next in line for either a United States or Intercontinental Championship match.”
The bell rings and Mojo Rawley is thrown straight out by Strowman, followed by Tyler Breeze. Rusev and Jinder Mahal fight it out until Jinder is eliminated. Heath Slater eliminates Rhyno and Ziggler eliminates both Kalisto and Crews. The Big Show and Braun Strowman eliminate everybody else. Except James Ellsworth. He tries to stand up to the big men but ends up getting a Powerslam from Strowman. He throws Ellsworth out.
Big Show and Braun Strowman stare each other down. They have a good brawl until Strowman finally eliminates Big Show.
Winner of the match: Braun Strowman.
Match One: The Club (c) (Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows) vs Enzo Amore and Big Cass. For the Raw Tag Team Championships
Match starts off with Enzo vs Karl Anderson. The Club immediately dominate proceedings. Anderson and Gallows make frequent tags, while keeping Enzo away from Cass. They make a number of intercepts. Anderson Irish Whips Amore into the corner, Enzo lifts his knees, climbs to the second rope and hits a dropkick. Anderson tags Gallows and Enzo tags Cass, who does his usual hot tag leading the the Empire Elbow. He goes for the pin on Gallows. 1…2… but Anderson saves the match. Enzo comes in and takes them both over the top rope. Big Cass hits the East River Crossing. 1…2…3. Enzo and Cass are the new Tag Team Champions.
Winner of the match: Enzo and Cass.
Match Two: Nikki Bella & John Cena vs Maryse & The Miz
Match is more of a break match, nothing really that substantial. Some good wrestling between Cena and The Miz, but not much else. Cena catches Miz with the AA and pins him.
Winner of the match: John Cena & Nikki Bella.
Match Three: Dean Ambrose (c) vs Baron Corbin in a Falls Count Anywhere Match for the Intercontinental Championship
This match is hard hitting. Kendo sticks, chairs, fire extinguishers, as well as other weaponry is used by both men. They travel throughout the entire complex just beating the living crap out of each other (the build needs to be very good for this match to work). Ambrose sets up a stack of chairs outside the ring and it looks like he is going to go for Dirty Deeds off the top rope onto the chairs. Corbin continues to punch him in the midsection, but both men fall off the top rope exhausted after such a hellacious match. The referee checks on both of them. They both slowly rise, Ambrose runs at Corbin who hits the End of Days on the pile of chairs. 1…2…3.
Winner of the match: Baron Corbin
Match Four: AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
(This match is built on the fact that Shane McMahon won’t put AJ Styles in the WWE Championship Match).
Basically another filler match, Shane using his “unorthodox” offense. Throwing punches, using kicks, no real grappling, which is why Styles is easily able to out-wrestle him. AJ hits the Phenomenal Forearm for the win.
Winner of the match: AJ Styles
Match Five: Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho in a Last Man Standing Match for the United States Championship
Yet another brutal match with multiple weapons used. Chris Jericho is in control for most of the match, taking out aggression on his former best friend. The stars are fighting outside of the ring. Chris Jericho hits one Code Breaker, looks down at Owens, pulls him to his feet, hits a second Code Breaker, and once again pulls Owens to his feet. Owens can barely stand, Jericho goes for a third Code Breaker, Owens catches him in mid air and Powerbombs him into the apron. Chris Jericho is unable to reach the count of ten.
Winner of the match: Kevin Owens
Match Six: Roman Reigns vs The Undertaker
The Undertaker comes to the ring first, his entrance takes minutes, it is a whole thing. Druids, flames, lighting, everything that makes The Undertaker’s entrance. He is cheered all the way down the ramp. Roman Reigns’ comes out next. He is booed all the way down the ramp. A look of anger is evident on his face.
The bell rings, and Roman Reigns hits a spear right out of the gate. 1…2… The Undertaker kicks out. You can hear the crowd’s relief. (Roman seems different, angrier, there are a few times during the match when he has to be forcefully pulled away). Undertaker catches Roman with a Tombstone Piledriver out of nowhere. 1…2… Roman kicks out. Undertaker takes control, throwing Reigns around the ring.
Undertaker hits Old-School. 1…2… Roman once again kicks out. Undertaker applies a headlock from behind. Roman eventually gets back to his feet, elbowing Taker in the midsection, he creates separation. Roman bounds off the ropes, hits a jumping clothesline, followed by another one. Undertaker attempts a clothesline of his own but Roman ducks under and hits a Samoan Drop. 1…2… Taker kicks out.
Roman looks around, wondering what he has to do to put the legend away. While Reigns looks around, Undertaker rolls underneath the bottom rope and stands on the apron. Roman goes after him, Undertaker hits him with a right hand and Roman backs away dazed. The Deadman scales the top-rope. Goes for the flying clothesline but is caught with a Superman Punch. Roman rolls in for the cover, 1…2… Taker kicks out. Reigns backs into a corner, looks around and then howls “OOH AHH”. Undertaker gets to his feet dazed. Roman runs at him but Undertaker picks him up. A Second Tombstone Piledriver. He crosses Reigns’ arms over his chest, rolls his eyes back, and sticks his tongue out. 1…2…3.
Taker grabs the rope to help him stand, the referee raises his hand. Undertaker offers his hand to Roman who accepts. He lifts his arm in the middle of the ring, to a roaring boo. Roman looks at the Phenom, then hits him with an uppercut. Taker falls back and rebounds off the ropes before getting hit with a brutal spear. Roman just looks down at the Deadman on the ground and leaves. (On Raw the next night, Roman will say he is sick and tired of constantly being booed, so he is going to give them something to really boo).
Winner of the match: The Undertaker
Match Seven: Bayley (c) vs Sasha Banks vs Charlotte
Sasha comes out first. Her entrance spans a few minutes. Snoop Dogg is there, same as last year. Bayley enters next, with her usual happy attitude. Then Charlotte makes her grand entrance. She takes quite a while to get back to the ring.
The match begins and Charlotte immediately finds herself outnumbered. For the opening part of the match, Bayley and Sasha work as a team. Soon however, they realise how much they both want the title. They have a back and forth battle. Sasha looks to be getting the upper hand when Charlotte intervenes. Great wrestling ensues for many minutes. Charlotte attempts to throw Bayley out of the ring. She grabs the ropes, holding herself on the apron, but Charlotte attempts to knock her off. Bayley uses her shoulder to attack Charlotte’s stomach. Sasha pushes Charlotte into Bayley and she tumbles to the ground. Sasha hits the Back Stabber into the Bank Statement.
Dana Brooks rushes out and breaks the hold, just as Charlotte was about to tap. Dana leaves the ring with Sasha after her, but Sasha only makes it as far as the apron. Charlotte hits her and Dana pulls her down to the floor. Sasha hits her head on the floor. Bayley attempts a roll up but Charlotte powers out at two. Dana once again climbs onto the apron and Bayley, instead of trying to attack Dana, tries to tell her to leave. Charlotte tries to sneak up from behind and attack Bayley but she sees her just in time. Charlotte knocks Dana down to the floor then turns around into a Bayley-to-Belly for the win.
Bayley then grabs a mic and thanks her parents and her friends because without them she wouldn’t be there. Sasha also grabs a mic and says: “That’s it? Without me you wouldn’t even be champion, and you don’t even have the respect to thank me?’
Bayley replies that she didn’t need Sasha’s help and that she would have got there on her own. Sasha then attacks Bayley, and locks her in the Bank Statement. Referees are needed to break the two up.
Winner of the match: Bayley
Match Eight: Bray Wyatt (c) vs Randy Orton. For the WWE Championship
Randy enters first looking fired up, he doesn’t waste any time in getting to the ring. Wyatt on the other hand takes his time, taking in every step of the long walk down to the ring. He rests his lantern in his rocking chair.
The match starts with Wyatt blasting Orton. He is taking out so much aggression on Orton. Wyatt maintains control for a good portion of the match. Orton mounts a comeback and sets Wyatt up for an RKO. All of a sudden, the lights go out, when they come back on, there is a woman sitting in the chair. Mask covering her face. Orton turns around into a brutal Sister Abigail. 1…2…3.
The woman enters the ring after the match, Bray Wyatt bows down. The woman takes the mask off, and it is Ember Moon.
Winner of the match: Bray Wyatt
Match Nine: Seth Rollins vs Triple H
Rollins enters first, looking determined, but also limping. He enters the ring anxiously, waiting. Triple H takes a long time to get to the ring (His Wrestlemania entrances are incredibly long). Stephanie McMahon sits at ringside, to watch her husband. The match begins and it is evident Triple H is going to utilise Rollins’ injury. He is working the leg, and has Rollins in a good place. He goes to grab Rollins who hits him with an enziguri. He sets up Hunter for a pedigree, then Samoa Joe’s music starts playing. Seth releases and waits for Joe to emerge, meanwhile Triple H has gotten back to his feet and hits a chop block on Rollins. He tries to roll out of the ring but Joe puts him back in.
Suddenly Sami Zayn’s music begins and Joe meets him on the ramp and they start brawling. Joe uses his strength advantage to get the upper hand on Zayn. Samoa Joe goes to Powerslam Zayn through the barricade when Zayn escapes. He uses a spinning heel kick to get the advantage and then hits a Helluva Kick against the barricade. Both men are in the crowd not moving. Triple H turns around into a Pedigree from Rollins, who then looks down at his former mentor, looks at the turnbuckle and then back at Triple H. He climbs the turnbuckle, hits The Game with a Phoenix Splash, then pins him for the victory.
Winner of the match: Seth Rollins
Match Ten: Goldberg (c) vs Brock Lesnar. For the Universal Championship
Brock Lesnar makes his usual entrance accompanied by Paul Heyman, and they stand together in the centre of the ring. Golderg’s music plays and the camera pans to the Titantron. Goldberg’s dressing room is on the screen and he walks out, headbutts the door and makes his way to the ring. He does his usual walk down the ramp and enters the ring. He and Brock have a stare-down before the bell rings. The match begins and Lesnar hits him with a stiff Clothesline, Goldberg tries to fight back but Lesnar just keeps taking him down. After about a minute of brutality from Lesnar, he grabs Goldberg onto his shoulders for an F5, it connects. He grabs him again and does the same. He looks down at Goldberg who is in a really bad way. He grabs him up one more time and hits one last F5. Cover, 1…2…3.
Brock raises the Universal Championship high above his head. Suddenly, Finn Balor’s music begins to play and he makes his way to the ring. He too stares Brock Lesnar down. He points to the title, the title he never lost. He turns to walk away but Lesnar catches him with a clothesline. He looks down at Balor laying on the ground and picks him up, puts him on his shoulders and goes for an F5. Balor lands on his feet and hits a pele kick, Brock staggers and Balor hits the shotgun dropkick into the corner. Lesnar is on the ground, Finn looks around before scaling the turnbuckle. Brock rolls out of the ring just in time, leaving the title in the ring. Balor grabs it and holds it up.
Winner of the match: Brock Lesnar