I Tried Kim Kardashian’s ‘Fit In Your Jeans By Friday’ Workout

That bra is not suitable for sports.

The Setting

Kim K Workout

Every workout DVD has its environment. The 80’s were all about carpeted floors and a neon flourish somewhere in the background. If you wanted to make a workout video in the 90’s, all you needed was a dream and a beige wall to stand in front of. The 2000’s were all about looking like you were in a meat-packing plant, or maybe the kind of basketball court depicted in the badass era of Sega.

Kim’s DVD has a setting too. I would describe it as an artist’s loft as conceived in an unholy union between Thomas Kinkade and Mumford & Sons. We’ve got a fireplace. We’ve got decadent candle holders.

In the background, stage left, we have a desk with a laptop set up. Like a little home office. Which is the only part of this I was cool with. It’s a little distracting because why the hell do you need an office back there, but I was doing this in the living room of my studio apartment. My bed was within reach the whole time I did this workout, as was my refrigerator. Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and those who live in studio apartments shouldn’t throw anything because you are guaranteed to break something.

Behind Kim we’ve got some other junk laying around. A rolling clothes rack. An easel with a miniscule chalkboard on it. This chalkboard is so small there’s barely any room to write on it. It’s like one of the chalkboards they used in math classes way back, when you had to do the math at your desk and write the answer on a mini chalkboard. It’s like that, except I imagine this one says something like “Power!” or “Cardio!” or, I don’t know, “Butt!”

The final touch, in the background we’ve got doors that open to an outdoor balcony. The view of “outside” is of a lovely sort of European town square. Or, at least, that’s what the dude who painted it was going for, far as I can tell. It’s just this shitty fake background that’s totally unnecessary.

By the way, if you live in Europe, you should know that whenever someone in America wants to class something up, they try to make it look like Europe. And somehow, Europe is classy while TRYING to be Europe is the opposite. It’s like the difference between an actual accent and an Austin Powers accent.

 

The Characters

Kim K

There are three characters in this drama.

First, there’s me. I’m a sweaty person. I usually work out while wearing a retainer. I’m wearing sweatpants with shorts over the top like a goddamn PE teacher, and I’m in my shitty apartment.

There’s the workout instructor. Not to be confused with Kim Kardashian. The instructor’s blonde, thin, has a voice where it seems like she’s never out of breath, and she calls the shots.

And there’s Kim.

I bring a desire to work out to this equation. The instructor brings the workout. Kim brings mostly boobs.

The boob-centricity of the video is baffling for any number of reasons.

Kim’s dressed in fairly normal workout clothes except for her shirt, which has a boob window. That’s what they would call this open space in the world of comic books, anyway. A boob window. Maybe it’s more like a boob French Doors in this case, or possibly boob loading bay doors. It’s pretty wide open, this window. You see almost everything. Most of her boobs. Except for the parts covered by a purple, lacy bra.

Now, I don’t know a ton about bras. But I do know a couple things. In general, I know what a sports bra is and why it exists. I know a non-sports bra when I see one, and this is thoroughly NOT a sports bra. Lace, thin straps, no support. Only in a world where we count billiards as a sport would this bra suffice.

And here’s what’s really weird. I thought, this being a butt-pumping workout, that we’d likely see some awkward, potentially gratuitous butt action. Because how long can you be on all fours, raising your leg, before someone shoots it from the side?

Well, a long time, it turns out, if you’re mostly focused on shooting this workout video straight down Kim’s top. Seriously, for real, I yelled at the TV. I don’t remember all of the exact words, but the gist was that I wanted to make my butt “bodacious” and if I wanted a Kim Kardashian boobs workout, I would certainly have Googled that by now.

How am I supposed to know if I’m doing this butt stuff right when the shot is dominated by Kim’s face, purple bra, and if the only person who can see what’s happening butt-wise is the instructor? Why so much focus on Kim’s top half, the part that has NOTHING to do with fitting into jeans? How do they manage to shoot it in so many different ways that miss the exercise entirely?

 

The Workout

Kim Kardashian Workout Video

I only have three things to say about the actual workout.

First, Kim appears to have never actually done this workout before. The instructor leads the whole thing, and I think it’s pretty fair to say Kim doesn’t know what she’s doing. At all. She follows along, sort of, and adds things like, “This is hard.” Not in a knowing way, but in a surprised sort of way. Which is a little deflating, specifically deflating to my butt. I wanted the workout she does! I want my butt to do what her butt does! That’s the whole point. I don’t want a video where some lady, who I’m sure is perfectly nice and knows about fitness, puts Kim through a butt workout. I want Kim’s butt workout. I want to know the moves that take a butt from obscurity to fame!

Second, this whole workout is just a bunch of different squats. Except for the part which requires a step. That’s mostly squats too, but with a step.

Third, I didn’t feel like this rocked my bod. However, I did come down with TERRIBLE epididymitis three days after I did it, which my partner is convinced was somehow caused by this workout. This is a true story, 100%.

Am I saying that Kim Kardashian gave me an infection in the gland that sits on top of my testicle? Am I saying her workout was THAT bad? I mean, if that’s what it takes to prevent others from wasting their time, then sure. I’m saying that Kim Kardashian’s Fit In Your Jeans By Friday workout DVD infected my epididymis, and that’s my story until it’s proven otherwise.

There IS a bonus workout on here. A Butt Blaster supposedly created for Kim when she’s on the go all. She needs a workout she can do in a hotel, in an airport, wherever.

I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of dignity. My dignity isn’t something that I take special pride in. What I will say is that I have enough dignity that I don’t want to lay down on the aqua carpet at terminal A14 and do pelvic thrusts. I’m uptight that way, in the way where I’d rather not thrust my penis in any direction, at any time, in public, unless maybe I’m in a stage production of Ace Ventura, in which case there’s no getting around it, might as well embrace it.

 

The Results

kim K butt workout

Because Kim Kardashian is known for her shapely butt, I thought this workout was about pumping up the posterior. That when it came to fitting into my jeans, “fitting” meant “properly filling”.

What I didn’t so much realize is that it meant dropping a few pounds. Perhaps even slimming the butt.

I was crestfallen. Butt crestfallen. Buttfallen.

My butt didn’t grow at all. In fact, this workout was meant to SHRINK my butt.

I had a moment. I wondered. Maybe Kim knew I was coming. Wanted to quash the competition before it really existed. Maybe Kim was insanely jealous of my butt’s potential and she put out this butt-slimming workout to keep me down.

But in my heart of hearts, my butt of butts, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew I wasn’t a butt threat.

You have to wonder, after watching a video where it’s kind of obvious Kim isn’t familiar with the material, how much of a great butt is genetic. I mean, if this DVD had just been Kim talking into the camera, a 30-second message that just said, “Here’s my butt workout: I was born with a great butt, which I’ve worked on some to make an excellent butt,” if that happened, I would have been satisfied. I could move on. I could accept my plight and curse my father’s slim-bodied name.

Instead we got all this nonsense. We didn’t get big butts, and some of us even got epididymitis.

I guess it’s back to my old stand-by exercise DVD, Carmen Electra’s Striptease Workout.

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