Peatree Bojangles really tried to persevere through her newest Netlfix Nasty but she just couldn’t. The poor lamb reviews Prom Night.
There are only a handful of things that could determine a film’s possible outcome, and when something is called ‘Prom Night’, you can correctly ascertain that it’s a ballbag of decapitated kittens. You make the mistake of looking at photos of the characters and find you’ve turned to look at yourself in the mirror. You notice a crease across your forehead. It has deepened so extensively, that it’s ingrained into your brain. Your frown curls down on your face, unhinging your jaw and breaking some teeth. You stare at your reflection. This is what I feel like. This is what their faces makes me feel like.
I don’t care if they die because they look like a group of high and mighty, vegan, faux activists with Chanel accessories and we need less of them in the world. If these are the people who will run the world when we grow old, then maybe we should bask in their outrageous deaths, while shoving popcorn in our mouths and occasionally mindlessly scrolling through Instagram because photos of your dinner is so much more interesting than this nonsense right now. And this, my friends, is how I fell in love with the killer.
The film is about a girl whose family is killed (she hides under the bed), by some crazy killer (there’s a reason behind this, but I was on Instagram at this point already). She’s moved on from their deaths, cos fuck ’em, she’s probably got loads of sympathy fans on Tumblr now anyway and is back at school. Something something, the killer is let out of prison or something, mental institute (I was on Twitter, don’t blame Instagram for everything) and was looking for her. He decides to launch an attack on their prom night by slowly killing off her friends before going for her. This is because he likes the thought of killing her, but not actually doing it, because HE DOESN’T DO IT. You spend the whole filming waiting for her to die and she doesn’t die. This, my friends, is when I fell out of love with the killer.
The highlight of this movie is Idris Elba playing ‘angry cop’. He’s looking for the killer, and manages to let him escape until the last minute, where he then manages to stop him.
OH NO PEA BO, ALL THESE SPOILERS. Fuck off, I’m saving you a world of pain.
BUT, here’s a photo of Idris Elba, to make things better.
And another, completely unrelated UNF.
@peatreebojangle
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