Pea Bo’s Netflix Nasties: Apartment 1303

Peatree Bojangles reviews Apartment 1303, starring The O.C.

 

Mischa Barton, our wooden twiglet with the voice of a drowning horse, stars in this supernatural remake of Japan’s already failed suicide plo tline. Take note, Mischa’s presence in this film has no bearing on its ability to bore me. Nonetheless, this is another tragedy in Mischa’s life. Oh Mischa. When will things change for you? When will you become an actress, and not a mockery? The answer is not fucking yet.

Mischa’s sister moves into an apartment in the city. It’s a beautiful flat with great views, but the building itself is odd, as is its resident. I’ve never seen this actress before, which makes sense, as her acting is almost as questionable as Mischa’s, if not worse. Her lack of an arse is also as insulting. The flat the sister moves into has a history of deaths – every young woman that moves in commits suicide by jumping off the balcony. As soon as she moves in, the sister hears things in the flat and starts panicking, calls her boyfriend, who tells her to shut up and calm down, followed closely with her ‘supernatural’ death. I’d like to also mention you will witness the most hideously uncomfortable sex scene here, which reminded me of The Room…maybe its only saving grace?

Mischa then moves into the flat to investigate her sister’s death, enlists her sister’s boyfriend to help (who by the way is, needlessly, an undercover cop with a family) and begins to hear things also. Oh, and Mischa has ‘problems’, which means she sees things and has to take medication. So, that’s some information for you there and I haven’t even begun to touch on the supernatural aspect. So much pointless information which is never explained, clarified or backed up. I hope you didn’t fall asleep. Hello? Hi, yes. Also, there’s a ghost. HA. Yes, forgot the mention the ghost and it is the least menacing ghost I have ever had the displeasure to watch.

 

The ghost’s story is somewhat explained, but not really, so I won’t really be able to tell you any of it. Not that it matters, I’m sure you’re tired of actually listening to me jabber on about this film. Let’s talk about something else. Shall we talk about Mischa again? I love talking about her. Her voice is a whole lifetime’s worth of conversation. Like gargling a bucket of razors. Like the smacking lips of carnivorous vagina. Her naked stare means we can look right into her darkened soul, where you find an empty prison cell. Empty and pointless.

Watch this film if you must, but I propose that instead you Google Mischa Barton images and spend a good few hours there.