Alright, that headline’s a lie. I actually bought two bottles of Metal Gear Solid cologne. One for everyday carboard box chilling, and another to keep sealed when the video game cologne market obviously goes into overdrive in a few years. That’s an insane thing to believe now that I have typed it out and basically made it real.
I really am not quite sure what came over me. Maybe it was because I was knee deep in covering the Master Collection when it was announced, or maybe it was the winter blues, but I didn’t even hesitate to buy two bottles of this Just Geek stank. I think maybe I’d become so tired of having basically nothing happening with my favourite IP that I would have bought shares in Calorie Mate if given the chance.
Priced at £39.99, which is about the cost of the Master Collection itself and more than some actual aftershaves that aren’t designed to evoke memories of that time two bros had a fight on top of a Gundam, this Shadow Moses cologne is touted as being a unisex scent. I don’t know exactly how you can have a unisex scent — what’s the least non-gendered thing in the world? Taxes? Would this give me a stress migraine on January 31st?
Well, according to the PR guff: “this woody scent will immerse you in the frosty evergreen trees of the iconic game location, Shadow Moses Island, with hints of myrrh, fir balsam, interlaced with undertones of oakmoss, cedarwood, and musk.”
Now, when I think of Metal Gear Solid, I don’t really think of trees all that much, unless we’re talking about the third game (which has got loads of them ((I climbed some of them)). When it comes to the first game, your nasal palate is probably going to be dominated by a) snow b) chronic diarrhoea and b) weeb urine. Is it so much to ask for a bit of bravery with these licensed aftershaves? Why doesn’t the Shadow Moses scent smell like yellow snow? Why doesn’t the Resident Evil cologne reek of flesh and burgers? Shouldn’t the Persona aftershave smell like balls?
However, it must be said: this Shadow Moses cologne actually doesn’t smell that bad at all. It’s got a bit of that artificial woodiness to it, though two sprays is enough to realise you’re paying more for the name than anything. It immediately called to mind an old Lynx scent that I’ve forgotten the name of. Gold Obsidian, or some nonsense you’d see emblazoned in a full-page ad in Nuts magazine where some dude on a bus surrounded by women who are basically liquefying at his feet.
My partner didn’t instantly recoil* when she smelled Shadow Moses either, which is more than can be said for the vat of Joop I bought a while back. She also hasn’t died yet, so there’s no FOXDIE in it either (a relief). I can’t answer if women will sidle up to you in a pub and ask you about the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo after a couple of spritzes of this cologne, but I can’t say they won’t either.
It’s just hard to shake the sense that this gamer stank was repurposed from some other project, as the scent doesn’t seem all that relevant to MGS and the packaging looks somewhat thrown together in a hurry. So, pretty much like most video game merch, then. But then again this thing has its own trailer. I love that for it.
Should you buy two bottles of the Metal Gear Solid cologne? Probably not. Should they have maybe added a hint of piss to it? Arguably. But is it a bit of video game tat that will distract you from the fact that the world is on fire? Definitely.
*UPDATE: Two weeks later, my partner told me that she actually did hate it after all. What an absolute Adamska.
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