How To: Be Less of a Dick

Alex McInnes brings you some life advice on how to not be such a massive helmet in 5 easy ways.


I work in retail so I encounter arseholes on a daily basis. I’ve narrowed it down, for every one nice customer there are eight complete ‘cuntstomers’. To qualify for the Dick title you only need to be one of two things: ignorant or rude. I am not the perfect person but I try to be as small of a dick as possible (insert joke here). Here are a few tips to not be quite so loathed and they don’t apply just to the retail industry but to life in general.

1. Return a ‘hello’


First off, when somebody says ‘hello’ or waves to you or just makes some sort of communication, acknowledge it. It really doesn’t take a lot to reply with ‘hi’ or a wave back and it will save people cursing you for being one rude Mother Hubbard. Just because I say hello to you, it does not give you the right to look at me as if you have just trodden on a snail that was covered in dog shit.

2. Smile more.


Admittedly, I am one smiley fool and I’m not quite sure why I smile so much, maybe it’s just trapped wind, but I find smiling is infectious. Smile at somebody and generally speaking they will smile back, you both feel good and get something out of it. Only attempt if you are confident with #1.

3. Don’t be a seat hog.


When travelling on public transport try something different and let people sit next to you if they so please. I know the people who use public transport can be a contentious bunch and 67% of them smell as if every pore on their body is excreting something bad but why not try moving your bag from the seat to the floor? I know it’s a hard task but try it. Chances are you’ll get a smelly but it will make them feel less like they need to be quarantined and there’s also a chance you could get some good conversations. Also, don’t pretend to be asleep, I know your game.

4. Hold doors for people.


Yes, I know you may be in a rush as much as everybody else seems to be but try thinking for a millisecond and judge the distances. If there is a chance said person will be at the door 5 seconds after you, hold it. That’s 5 seconds out of your day that is otherwise likely filled with watching shit on Netflix, rubbing one out and ravenously fingering away at scratchcards. You never know, you may well be holding the door for a very pretty lady and she might give you a #2 (not a turd, that’s vile) and you will feel like a chivalrous babe, or vice versa.

5. Use your Melon.


This will be the hardest step of all for some people but try having an ounce of empathy for people and it will change your outlook and behaviours vastly. Just be the sentient being that you are, or at least were supposed to be and everything will be alright (generally speaking).

I don’t know whether it was Freidrich Nietzsche or Sigmund Freud who said “Don’t be a dick” but it is a good mantra to live your life by. As I said, I am not the perfect person but keeping the “Don’t be a dick” thing as a constant means my life is pretty alright. Just as a side note, if you do manage these pointers you may well find people grimacing less, cursing at you less and spitting at you less. The dream should be that your dick-less behaviour provides a gozz-less future for your hair.

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