We eat your words

If Star Wars Characters Were WWE Wrestlers

If you tried to make Star Wars into a wrestling promotion, what would it actually look like?

In a small town territory now owned by Vincent K. McMahon, budding promoter George Lucas established himself as a big time player in the wrestling world. Producing a brand which won the hearts of millions across the globe, spanning across generations and cultures, his roster of noble monks and mystical fiends competed against one another to determine who truly was the greatest in the entire wrestling galaxy. In this retrospective, we’re going to run down the most iconic characters and gimmicks, their legacies and how they changed sports entertainment forever.

 

Luke Skywalker

Luke Skywalker
Image Source:
Starwars.com

Starting off our list is the flag-bearer of the brand, Luke Skywalker! Coming from humble beginnings, the former farm-hand turned professional wrestler has risen through the ranks of the business to become one of the most beloved in the world today.

Many labelled him for being green towards the start of his career, but soon opinions were turning as he absorbed the knowledge and skill of his peers like a sponge. A short hiatus from the brand to compete internationally in the Dagobah territory saw him mature and become more versed in the art of wrestling – proving that their dojos can do wonders for almost anyone’s career.

He soon entered into a storied feud with Darth Vader, which saw him claim his first of many world championships. Even though the white-meat babyface act seems to be running its course with a minority of the fans, Luke Skywalker remains the apex of the locker room, proving on a regular basis he can carry a main event caliber match with any superstar.

Despite this, rumours have been circulating that he’s becoming more and more volatile backstage, frequently turning up under the influence of death sticks and unwilling to put over other talent. After the recent ‘Sarlacc in a pit’ match at Jabba’s Palace (which can be seen on the network for only $9.99 a month), Skywalker outright refused to do the job to fan favourite Boba Fett, and instead squashed him in less than a minute by throwing him down into the pit with ease. Tension between Luke’s Kliq and the rest of the boys are reaching an all time high, with the company chairman failing to take action against Skywalker out of fear of him walking away to the competition.

BREAKING NEWS: Luke Skywalker set to to open a school of wrestling on lonesome, ominous island.

 

Darth Vader

Darth Vader
Source: bgr.com

Every hero needs a good old fashioned villain.

A top heel, the biggest merch-pusher in the history of the company and quite rightfully nicknamed face that runs the place. Darth Vader began as a child prodigy, learning from a very young age how to master his in-ring style, he has remained on top for many years. His reign as world champion went unquestioned, until the rise of Luke Skywalker. The chemistry these two shared was almost instantaneous, a rare feat for professional wrestler’s, during their first encounter at Takeover: Bespin. Their bouts have been heralded as some of the most revered of all time, receiving an incredible 7* rating from Dave Meltzer.

However, all good things must come to an end. A recent development in their storyline has come under fire by fans, after Vader revealed during an intense in-ring promo that he was Luke’s Father. Insiders are still baffled over whether or not this pertains to kayfabe, but the consensus seems to be that the man responsible for this twist is none other than Vince Russo. This isn’t boding well for their forthcoming hair vs mask, no sand barred match at the Death Star pay-per-view.

Nevertheless, Darth Vader remains a draw no matter where he goes.

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan Kenobi
Image Source:
Starwars.com

The brand mainstay, debuting on the very first episode of it’s storied history, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a veteran in every sense of the word. He and his former tag partner Anakin Skywalker (no relation…?) tore the house down on a nightly basis to help put the brand on the map. Having trained under one of the pioneers of the business, Qui-Gon Jinn, his throwback style has given him the reputation as being one of the safest workers to step in the ring with.

Even though many have stated that Kenobi’s career well and truly peaked during the prequel era, Obi-Wan remains a perennial mid-carder, willing to give the rub to newcomers and those in need of some momentum. But as he says in his pre-match promo – if you strike him down, he will become more over than you can possibly imagine. It’s only a matter of time before he has one final run at the top of the card.

 

Kylo Ren

Kylo Ren The Force Awakens
Image source: starwars.com

A relatively new addition to the roster, Kylo Ren has received a monster push as the company’s new top heel. Beginning his run as a fearsome masked luchadore, Kylo steamrolled through competition, cementing himself as someone to watch in the coming years.

Suffering the loss of both his undefeated streak and his prestigious mask to underdogs Rey and Finn, in the triple threat match at Starkiller Base, the brooding villain is set for a huge comeback in a few months time.

Fans are starting to become more and more complacent with his booking, claiming that if the brand continue to shove Kylo Ren down their throats then they may consider cancelling their network subscription. Perhaps the necessary solution is to repackage him as a babyface in the near future?

 

Princess Leia

Princess leia
Image Source:
Prop Store

Coming from royalty, Leia was poised to become the most dominant woman in the main event scene. Having to moonlight as a slave girl in the past, her troubled past has given her the feisty motivation to rise through the ranks and battle all adversities. Her presence and charisma is unrivalled, as the first ever Women’s champion, she has created a following so massive that it has even broken the boundaries of gender.

Rumours have circulated that her status on the roster is maintained by her relationship with company man Luke Skywalker, which has led to disgruntled employees such as Han Solo speaking out against her. Nevertheless, her talent speaks for itself.

 

Rey (Mysterio)

Rey Force Awakens
Image source: starwars.com

Little is known about this new star from developmental. Some say Rey started the Divas Revolution in the wrestling world, and it’s hard to disagree when you see her compete against some of the biggest male stars of this generation.

She seems to be struggling to get over with a portion of the fans, heavily criticised for her inability to connect with them through her in-ring promos, but credit where it’s due for her regular appearances in Dusty Rhodes’ classes.

A strong contender for Leia’s championship, once fine-tuned and ready for her eventual main roster call-up.

 

Han Solo and Chewbacca

Han and Chewie
Source: elgrandepics.com

Headlining the tag team division is the dynamic duo of Han and Chewie. Having wrestled in various promotions before being poached to the brand by Skywalker and Kenobi, they have developed a reputation for being stiff workers and scruffy looking nerf herders. Their list of accomplishments deserves its own article, but most recognised would be their victory in the Kessel Run, defeating their opponents in less than twelve parsecs!

Although the two seem to be inseparable, details have been leaked that Lucas is high on Chewbacca and is looking to give the eight-footer a singles push in the coming months. Whether Han is going to make it as a “Solo” star is the question on everybody’s minds, but a feud between the two best friends would certainly make for interesting content going into Tatooine Tussle.

 

The New Jedi Order

One of the most intriguing gimmicks as of late has been the formation of the group dubbed the NJO.

Last month saw ‘The Outsiders’ Palpatine and Count Dooku quite literally invade the brand mid-match to announce their intentions on live television. The former SITH stars buried the younger talent and certified themselves as the mount rushmore of professional wrestling. Some of the brand’s top stars (Mace Windu, Kit Fisto and Ki-Adi Mundi) came together to fend off the two former champions at Bash at the Senate, but what happened next was something nobody saw coming.

Yoda, one of the most celebrated and decorated athletes to ever step foot in the ring, debuted as the third man. To Mace Windu’s shock, Yoda had turned his back on the thousands of Yodalings in attendance, and fell victim to Palpatine’s dreaded force lightning finish. Yoda then picked up a mic and had this to say…

“Mean Gene, tell these people to shut up you need to do, if you wanna’ hear what I’ve got to say… The first thing you gotta’ realize, brother, is the future of wrestling this is right here. You can call this the New Jedi Order of Wrestling. Came from a great big organization up north these two men right here did, and who the third man was everybody was wondering.

Well, who knows more about that organization than me, brother?… Let me tell you something. Made that organization a monster, I did. Made people rich up there, I did. And when it all came to pass, the name Yoda, the man Yoda, got bigger than the whole organization. Billionaire George wanted to talk turkey with Yoda. Well Billionaire George promised me movies, brother. Millions of dollars Billionaire George promised me. World caliber matches Billionaire George promised me. And as far as Billionaire George goes, JJ Abrams, and the whole brand goes, bored I am, brother.

That’s why these two guys here, the so-called outsiders, the men I want as my friends these are. The new blood of professional wrestling they are, brother. And not only are we going to take over the whole wrestling business with Yoda and the new blood, the monsters with me, destroy everything in our path we will, Mean Gene. As far as I’m concerned, these fans out here, all of this crap in the ring represents.

For two years, brother, for two years my head I held high. I did everything for the charities. I did everything for the kids. And the reception I got when I came out here – you fans can stick it, brother. Because if it wasn’t for Yoda, you people wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for Yoda, JJ Abrams would still be selling meat from a truck in Minneapolis. And if it wasn’t for Yoda, all these Johnny Come Lately’s you see out here wrestling wouldn’t be here.

The world I was selling out, brother, while they were pumping gas in their car to get to high school. So the way it is now, brother, with Yoda and the New Jedi Organization of Wrestling, me and the new blood by my side, whatcha gonna do when the New Jedi Organization runs wild on you”

Truly a defining moment of this brand’s history.

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