America: A Brazilian’s Perspective Filtered Through Bizarro Con

I started out 2015 still trying to complete my first full length book. I had only written short stories and flash fiction pieces, and I was really going for my own book.

So July came rolling in, and I started Garrett Cook’s Bizarro Novella Writing Workshop (which I recommend to anyone wanting to get their Bizarro game going). I had some pitches thrown out the window by Garrett (they were really shitty), but one caught his eye. And it was that one pitch that got me into the New Bizarro Author Series.

For those of you who don’t know, the New Bizarro Author Series is an imprint of Eraserhead Press, the lead Bizarro Fiction publisher. It’s published annually, and its goal is to present fresh young Bizarro authors to the world. Garrett had landed the job as the editor of the series for 2015, and was looking for authors. He contacted me in August, saying he wanted me to write BENJAMIN, the pitch he liked the most. He recommended a movie, the French film DELICATESSEN, by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. He told me to watch the movie, because that’s what he wanted my book to feel like.

The recommendation was perfect, and I wrote my book in a little over three weeks.

Now, came the fun part: Bizarro Con!

This annual convention is the Mecca of Bizarro fans. Artists, fans, generally awesome and talented people, together in a magnificent hotel in Portland, Oregon.

My girlfriend Sarah and I really wanted to go, but we knew it was going to be hard. The currency conversion rate was in an all time high around that time, and we didn’t even have passports.

But we decided we would do our best. We set up an Indiegogo campaign, raising $500! We can’t thank enough everyone who donated. Without you guys, we could never be there.

We got started on the paperwork for the passport and the visas (long bureaucratic processes, just boring stuff), and then finally November came, and we were in the air! We had never even flown before, and I was scared out of my mind. Sarah just slept through the flight, mostly.

We arrived on November 4^th, and we stayed until the 15^th. I won’t go into many details about the convention itself. Just know that it’s the most wonderful time I spent in my entire life, and I’m already making plans to go back.

Instead, I’ll focus in my thoughts about the country itself, and the cultural differences I could notice. So, here it is, my impressions on the United States.

IN AMERICA, THE ZIPPER IS ON THE WRONG SIDE ON COATS
Yep, that’s right. I bought a coat (because Sarah and I completely underestimated how cold we would be), and when I was ready to zip up, I noticed the zipper was wrong! It was on my right hand side, instead of the left! That really threw me off my game, and I’m pretty sure I was tilted through the whole trip. And yes, some Brazilians may tell you that there are some right sided zippers here, but don’t believe them! They are liars!

IN AMERICA, THEY PUT SWEET STUFF ON HOT DOGS
Please, just stop doing that.

IN AMERICA, BOOK READINGS ARE REALLY FUN, NOT BORING AT ALL
I have mixed feelings about readings. They usually suck. But not in America they don’t! The readings at Bizarro Con were all amazing! The Friday night readings were more theatrical, and the rest of them, more traditional (except the ones at the New Bizarro Author Series’ readings, but I’ll get to that later). So, come to America and you’ll experience fun readings!

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE WILL READ YOUR BOOK IN EXCHANGE FOR POT
So, I won some legal marijuana at the Saturday morning Bizarro Raffle. Neither Sarah nor I smoke it, so I decided to give it away, as a prize! I asked for six volunteers during my New Bizarro Author Series reading, and the one the audience liked the most, would win! A British gentleman was the one contemplated with the prize, and was promptly advised to not try leaving the country wth that on his luggage.

IN AMERICA, PERFORMANCE ARTS CONTESTS ARE THE BEST THING EVER!

I took part in the annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown, a contest of skill and creativity. Eighteen of us took the stage, one at a time, to tell the most entertaining story, in the most creative way possible. I shaved my head for Satan to prevent my father leaving my mother for a little person, and got second place! Gabino Iglesias (author of ZERO SAINTS, and GUTMOUTH, check those out!) took third place with his crime fiction/erotic crossover (and that sexy reading voice that may or may not have given me a chub) and Danger Slater (author of the upcoming I WILL ROT WITHOUT YOU, which I’m currently reading) was the champion with his really surreal piece about animals in a zoo.

My second place prize was a piñata!

Which leads into…

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE BREAK PIÑATAS WITH STICKS WITH DILDOS ATTACHED ON THE END
I did, anyway. And it was a magnificient pink dildo!

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE MAKE GIFS THROWING DILDOS AT A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF BRADLEY SANDS’ FACE
A fun night indeed. Bradley Sands (author of the amazing DODGEBALL HIGH) was in his room, sick, and our wonderful editor and host Rose O’Keefe, from Eraserhead Press, gave the idea of making some animated GIFs with the cardboard cutout of his face we had lying around.

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE USE JENGA AS AN ORACLE

We had a Jenga set with words written on the tiles. Just before each of us took a tile out, we would ask a question, and the answer would be the word written on the tile. The Jenga oracle was really surprising in its answers, going so far as to imply Clifford, the Big Red Dog was the one who killed JFK (which is the original idea for my current book, though the idea was changed a lot).

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE EAT TACOS!
I had never eaten a taco before. I did in America, and I loved it.

IN AMERICA, THE BEER IS REALLY GOOD
Right before the Bizarro Writers’ Association meeting, I drank a glass of Porter that was being served at the conference room. Half a glass, really. It was really good, and I wanted to savor it.

The meeting was in full force, with Rose providing the discussion points, when I had something to say, something to contribute to the discussion, when I was ready to open my mouth, I realized I had forgotten the entire English language. The beer took it away for me.

Worth it, though!

IN AMERICA, PEOPLE THANK YOU FOR BEING THEIR GUEST!
The day before the convention, and the days after it was over, I stayed in an amazing house, with amazing people. Thank you Jeff, Chrissy, Liz and Josh for having us over with you guys, you are all amazing, beautiful people. And Jeff thanked me for being their guest! I thought that was amazing, considering I was so thankful for being able to be stay there. From Sarah and I, we love you guys!

So, there you go, that’s what America is like! Please, buy my book BENJAMIN on Amazon, so I have the money to go back there again and gather even more facts!

And if you like it (or if you hate), please remember to leave a review on Amazon (and on Goodreads, if it’s not much trouble).

AND, buy all of the New Bizarro Author Series books! They are all amazing books by amazing people.

About the author: Pedro Proença writes, plays Magic: The Gathering, is a bassist, and works at an hospital (but try not to remind him of the last one). His first book is BENJAMIN, part of the 2015-16 New Bizarro Author Series from Eraserhead Press. He has been published by Fireside Press and Dynatox Ministries, as well as having stories appearing in Bizarro Central and Flash Forge. He lives in Rio de Janeiro with his girlfriend Sarah Sindorf (who did the cover art for BENJAMIN), his family, and their assorted pets.