5 Reasons Why You’re Better Off Without the Messenger App

STOP FACEBOOK MESSENGER

I never thought it would happen again, but it did and it was beautiful. I managed to watch a whole film without looking at my phone like a bit of a crack addict. I can almost sense you twitching as you ostensibly struggle to not overexert your workforce on Cabbage Simulator Forever.

Since Facebook decided to split their App Empire into two, there have been plenty of people who are righteously pissed about the permissions that their new Messenger app demands before you can use it. They basically have the rights to your favourite nightwear, dibs on the last Rolo and 90% of your brain. “You wouldn’t be using it anyway,” Zuckerberg said.

In case you hadn’t guessed by now, I am one of those difficult dickheads who refuses to download the app. My life has changed for the better and akin to my hero Billy Mays, I am going to shout things at you until you see my way with these reasons why you could be better off without Messenger.

 

1. Risky messages are much safer

Simpsons lemonface

Ever sent a message on Facebook so cheeky that your arsehole clenches up like the guy’s mouth above? Without a phone buzzing with the doom-bringing reply, you can close your laptop and call in the Bomb Disposal Unit. You will also have time to book your holiday away to Venezuela for the rest of your life.

 

2. You can make use of the other 72729 messaging services on your phone

praying emoji

 

Your phone is fully stocked with AMAZING ways to ignore friends when you’re in the same room, but which of them have you actually used? Now that you don’t have the nefarious Messenger clogging up your memory, why not make the most of WhatsApp, Viber, MessageMe, Voxer, Snapchat, Keek, Kik, Skype…

 

3. You regain a sense of mystery

Oop, wrong kind of mysterious.
Oop, wrong kind of mysterious.

Remember when you used to meet up with friends and be able to discuss things that hadn’t already been put on social media? Those were the days: nobody knew if you were taking a dump at the cinema so you could get out of watching The Croods. You also have one less distraction when you’re hanging out with friends, forcing you into making conversation WITH YOUR MOUTH. CHRIST.

 

4. You are no longer a slave to the jingle

U2  make me sick

Okay, so there are still the other 6000 things to take your fancy on your smartphone but why let that catchy little jingle be the dawning of your procrastination? With no app, you get the chance to go out there and really find something you love to do, like eat a whole thing of hummus or buy your whole family personal Coca-Cola bottles, whatever you kids do these days.

 

5. Your soul is intact

I will eat your soul

I don’t know if you’ve actually looked at the app permissions for Facebook Messenger (you can’t if you’re on iOS) but it’s pretty worrying stuff. You can read them all here and once you’ve returned, take a look at some of your other applications and realise how much of your personal information you’re giving away. Pagan cult, anyone?

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Editor-in-Chief