10 Arcade Games That Would Make Brilliantly Awful Hollywood Films

Golden Axe

5 – Let’s Go Island 3D

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You may not have heard of Let’s Go Island 3D, but don’t worry, that’s just because it’s obscure as fuck. This Japanese (surprise surprise) shooter game has you and your partner on a romantic island getaway, shooting the shit out of hungry sharks and other sea monsters. You’re pulled along by a motorboat as you shoot, but it doesn’t qualify as water skiing because you’re underwater half the time. Don’t ask me to explain, I can’t. Again, it doesn’t have much of a plot beyond ‘this is fun vacation activity, honestly’ but some ridiculous film about a couple going on an island holiday only to be beset on all sides by man-eating sea creatures and resolving their marital issues by defeating them would get my ass in a seat.

 

4 – ESP Ra.De

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Most of the games on this list would make ostensibly fairly shit films with enough madcap action to make them engaging. If done right, ESP Ra.De could make a brilliant film on all fronts. The plot is fairly typical of Japanese dystopic sci-fi. Some time in the not-too-distant future, Tokyo became too densely overpopulated, so they built a new one, the aptly named Tokyo 2. The initiative is led by one Garra Ono, a billionaire who may or may not (i.e. definitely does) have Yakuza connections. Turns out she’s a psychic who is slowly replacing everyone in the city with clones of herself who appear as 10-year-old girls. That in mind, a group of three ESP-armed teenagers set out to stop her, using their mind powers to fight tanks, jets and everything else besides. Listen for a minute, Hollywood, do you still want to adapt Akira for live action? Yeah, I thought so, well make this instead. The plot is too basic for you to fuck up and there aren’t nearly as many fanboys to upset, have at it.

 

3 – Altered Beast

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Historically, films that take Greek or Roman mythology and then gleefully fuck around with it don’t fare too well (except Hercules, that film is the tits). Bearing that in mind, basing a film on a game which took Greek and Roman mythology, smashed them together and then gleefully fucked around with them shouldn’t be worth the time of day. And yet we all know that an Altered Beast movie would be magnificent. A Roman centurion resurrected by Zeus (see what I mean) is sent to rescue his daughter, Athena, from a demon God. Said centurion is granted the power to transform into a wolf, a bear, a tiger, a dragon and finally a golden wolf, each with their own set of unique powers. The game ends with you fighting through the city of Dis, as it was depicted in Dante’s Inferno. Putting aside the fact that the main character would spend a portion of the film as a humanoid, thunder blasting dragon, the gothic, almost Giger-esque imagery would be amazing to see on the big screen. Also the last boss is a man-rhino with gold underpants.

 

2 – The Typing of the Dead

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The plot to this game is identical to that of House of the Dead 2. A zombie virus which originated in the first game has found its way to Venice, infesting the city with the undead, not to mention various other monstrosities. The reason behind it turns out to be some corporate conspiracy or another, nothing special. The key difference is that The Typing of the Dead is a touch-typing tutorial. In it, you are tasked with fighting zombies with a modified killer-keyboard which literally fights with words. As in you fire words at them, maiming them further with each corresponding letter until they fall. I have no idea how you would justify that narratively, but come on, it would be worth it.

 

1 – The Outfoxies

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This Namco brawler has gained a cult following for being one of the most bizarre but brilliant fighting games of the early 90s. It has you jumping around vast environments using anything and everything to dispatch your foes, but we’re here for the plot. A shady benefactor named Mr. Acme (not kidding) hired a slew of assassins to take out a wealthy art collector. With that taken care of, he set up a load of new jobs for the killers he hired designed to result in them all taking each other out so he doesn’t have to pay anyone. As if that wasn’t awesome enough, the assassins in question include an entrepreneur who kills people to bolster her revenue stream, a paraplegic scientist who fights using his custom-designed death wheelchair, a man named John Smith who will do literally anything for money, two former Siamese twins who were separated but still have a weird psychic bond and a fucking chimpanzee. Nope, not kidding, his name is Dweeb and he takes his wages in bananas.

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