Pea Bo’s Netflix Nasties: Darkness

Peatree Bojangles weeps her way through Darkness, starring that one off the vampire thing.

It’s almost as if I like the pain. To remind me I’m alive and not an empty vessel for shit to pour into. Or maybe the morbid fascination of how I’ll react causes me to yearn to prove my intelligence. I’m alive and I’m intelligent enough to notice the bile creep out of my TV screen and slowly slide into my body. Shit. I just scared myself. IT’S THAT EASY, MR DIRECTOR MAN. TAKE NOTE.

I dislike Anna Paquin. The smug, self-satisfied smile which lingers on her face far too long after a euphoric moment ends fills me with painful anger. Her accent makes my prolapse life threatening. Her ‘skills’ in acting cause every element of my being question its fight for survival. Her face is a canvas.  An empty, unfilled canvas, waiting to be painted. Yearning to be real. She plays Rogue in X-Men and she does it so badly I fight back tears as my brain runs through all the moments of my childhood as I sketched the Southern belle, laughing at my inaccuracies, but still being in love with her. Imperfectly perfect. A strong, vulnerable woman.

Anna depicted Rogue as an infected vagina.

Now I’ve got that out the way, I can discuss Darkness. Or can I? Yes, I can, but it hurts to do it. Realise that it hurts me to say these words but I’m doing it for you. The film, from what I could tell in my moment of peaceful alcohol induced nirvana, is about bad electric wiring in the family’s house. I’m pretty sure. That woman who gets abused in Chocolat is the mum, some guy from Game Of Thrones is the dad, infected vagina Rogue is the daughter, and the young boy is some cute child actor. Let’s discuss the accents. No wait, the pain is surging through me right now. I can’t do it. It’s bad. NNGGHH. No enough. Okay, so it’s set in Spain. A family move from America into a new house, but the father used to live around there until he was five, so it’s not all that unexpected. The dad has had problems in the past, which causes moments of delirious anger. He has been doing well until now. The house is haunted, basically, but haunted really badly by some dumb ass lazy ghosts. There’s a reason they’re there and I didn’t concentrate enough to hear the full story, but it’s something to do with dead children. Every so often the house lights would flicker, and the family would freak out. This is 80% of the film.

The Game of Thrones dad is the saviour of this film. He is quite a good actor, despite the shit-storm of a script he had to work with and the son isn’t half-bad either as the troubled kid, but maybe it’s because he had a lot of scenes with infected vagina Rogue, I can’t tell. The level of tension throughout the film doesn’t change as it’s forever teetering on the edge, but never takes the stage. The storyline is lost within moments, as is your desire to see any of these people survive. This film is pointless. The fact that it exists scares me. That’s the horror of it. The horror of Hollywood. Someone please give Hollywood producers a herbal colonic and a cup of green tea. Someone needs to ween them off their coke-frenzied parties of signing off everything thrown at them.

@peatreebojangle