Fantasy Warfare: Video Game Wrestlers vs Real Life Wrestlers

Any time that an avid videogame player tells me that they don’t like wrestling, I get a little bit pissed off. I just can’t fathom the logic. They spend hours watching over-the-top characters fake fight each other, but as soon as the word “wrestling” gets thrown around, the tone swiftly changes: “Yeah, but it’s just fake though”. Right, because Tekken is totally a grounded depiction of the martial arts.

Grievances aside, the crossover between videogames and the world of professional wrestling is huge, with both sides often taking influences from the other. In the WWE, Xavier Woods hosts his own gaming YouTube channel and uses a hadoken in the ring to smack his opponents, whilst former Cruiserweight champ TJ Perkins has an entrance fit to be described as a Megaman intro.

Back in Japan you have the deal with New Japan Pro Wrestling and Tekken, which sees Bullet Club shirts and other merch being worn by members of the roster. King and NJPW champ Kazuchika Okada have also engaged in some swapsies, with King getting an Okada costume and his Rainmaker finishing move in Tekken 7, whilst Okada wore King’s new attire at the Fantastica Mania event. However, the less said about WCW’s Glacier, who was the biggest Sub Zero rip off ever, the better.

Point is, the overlap between the two worlds is huge, but I often find myself wondering wondering which side would come out on top in a not disappointing version of the 2001 WCW Invasion angle. Could video game wrestlers outshine the real life counterparts on which they are often based, or would the real life grapplers prove too much for the pixelated sweaty men?

The amount of potential dream matches between iconic figures, past and present, is astounding, so in the spirit of feverish lunacy, I’ve booked a PPV card filled with Videogames vs Reality match ups. I mean, why not? It is WrestleMania season.

There were no limits on picks, as a number of retired/dead wrestlers are on the list. There’s been no limit on gaming franchises either, with a lot of picks coming from the Street Fighter series. That game has a lot of grapplers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment none of you have been waiting for has finally arrived. Let’s get this party started.

 

6-Man Ladder Match/Luchador Exhibition – Rey Mysterio vs Kalisto vs Gran Metalik vs El Blaze vs El Fuerte vs Killbane

Arguably some of the most exciting wrestling you can watch comes from Mexico. The Lucha Libre style often sees masked performers perform death-defying feats of athleticism for the pleasure of the paying audience. Rey Mysterio, Kalisto and Gran Metalik have stolen shows and hearts, leaving fans breathless with their ability to do “flippy shit”.

In the gaming world, El Fuerte from Street Fighter 4 and El Blaze from Virtua Fighter 5 encapsulate that mantra of flipping = winning, bouncing off the walls like a human pinball. Those five wrestlers alone could create a fast paced ladder match with high spots aplenty. The outlier here is Killbane, “The Walking Apocalypse”. A mountain of a man and a downright despicable human being, Saints Row: The Third’s main antagonist wouldn’t be above powerbombing the competition into oblivion.

Winner: Killbane – He runs a gang of drug running Luchadores and will actually kill his opponent post match if he doesn’t win, Jose Gonzalez style. The winner is obvious.

 

Tina (Dead or Alive) vs Charlotte

Whilst a more recognisable match-up would pit Tina Armstrong against Trish Stratus in a battle to determine who caused more sexual awakenings in teenage boys, an interesting bout emerges between Charlotte and the Wrestling Queen of Dead or Alive.

Both are second generation wrestlers who share a love/hate relationship with their fathers, either looking to step out of his shadow one minute, or engaging in jolly co-operation the next. In terms of wrestling ability, the power advantage goes to Tina, often times able to suplex men twice her and hardly break a sweat. Charlotte’s strength comes in the form of her technique and athleticism, and the fact that she’s willing to bend the rules in order to achieve victory, which could be the deciding factor.

Winner: Tina – Originally, Charlotte was going over because she doesn’t lose at PPVs, but then Fastlane happened.

 

Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant vs Alex and Hugo

One of the most iconic and widely recognisable matches in WWE history is the main event to WrestleMania III, which pitted a heel Andre the Giant against peak 80s super babyface Hulk Hogan for the then WWF Championship. Despite the two being very limited workers, they both worked together to create some electrifying moments, one of which would go on to influence gaming over a decade later. The epic staredown that kicks off the contest was recreated in Street Fighter III: Third Strike with Alex and Hugo.

So what if the two duos duked it out? Alex and Hugo basically outmatch Hulk and Andre in every conceivable way, but you can never underestimate the power of Hogan’s backstage politicking.

Winner: Alex and Hugo, until the day of the PPV when Hogan exercises creative control. Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania buries you?! Brutha brutha brutha!

 

Vince McMahon vs Mike Haggar

Playing off of WWE’s history, wrestling and politics have also shared some significant overlap. Just look at that orange walking bird’s nest that is currently declaring squatters rights at the White House, Donald Trump. He ended up shaving the head of fellow rich psycho Vince McMahon on the Grandest Stage of the All in the name of “entertainment”, back before his venture into politics. Perhaps it’s convenient that the gaming world offers a man who walks the line between wrestler and politician.

Enter Mike Haggar, former wrestling champion turned Mayor of Metro City. After taking the hands on approach towards cleaning up crime in his fair city, Mike could now turn his attention to Vinnie Mac, who has been ruling WWE with an iron fist for years now. Perhaps Vince even had a controlling stake in the Mad Gear gang… Hey, if kayfabe meant we got vampires, potential incest, Batista as a rape child and the infamous “IT WAS ME AUSTIN” moment, then I’m sure we could accept Vince finding a way to profit on gang violence. Sure beats him in a tag match vs God.

Man, wrestling is stupid.

Winner: Mike Haggar – You need to respect Mike Haggar, and the cleansing power of the pipe.

 

Zangief vs Rusev w/Lana

FOR THE MOTHERLAND! Despite being Bulgarian, handsome Rusev was once billed as Russian’s Super Athlete. He even won a Russian Star, which I’m 90% sure is about as real as Lana’s Russian accent. Still, when the duo were at the peak of their powers, dominating the roster during their US Title monster heel run, it was hard to not be impressed. Rusev felt damn near invincible, a claim that would no doubt irk the real star of the Soviet, Zangief. A man who considers wrestling bears to be nothing more than mere child’s play, he’s managed to stop a direct sword attack just by sheer muscle power. The Red Cyclone is a full 10 on the Gaston scale of manliness, but his code of honour and jovial approach to fighting could prove his downfall against someone as dangerous as Rusev.

Winner: Rusev w/Lana – Lana distracts ‘Gief, superkick from Rusev, Accolade to finish. Handsome RuRu wins again.

 

Main Event – John Cena vs King

The main event couldn’t be anything other than this match; the two biggest babyfaces of their respective worlds, doing battle to determine who is the strongest. In the one corner, we have John Cena. 16 x World Champion, multi-time Royal Rumble winner, most recognisable active wrestler of the modern era and hero to dying children everywhere.

In the other corner, we have King. A Luchador extraordinaire, winner of countless championships, arguably the most famous wrestler in videogame history and hero to many parentless Mexican children. One fights for hustle, loyalty, respect and often not putting the right talent over, the other fights for the right to giant swing Japanese schoolgirls with reckless abandon.

Both men are evenly matched in terms of strength, speed and wrestling ability, and both men would give their all for this bout, but ultimately only one man can walk away with that crucial victory.

Winner: John Cena – Cena wins, lol.