When Donald Trump was declared President of the US on Wednesday morning GMT, he proudly stepped up to deliver his first speech as leader of one of the most powerful and influential countries in the world. No doubt the speech was pre-written by political and linguistic experts who carefully constructed meanings and possible interpretations of what he said, but the right-wing fumes were so strong they were almost visible. To make it easier to understand, I’ve taken the liberty of decoding some of the acceptance speech for you.
What he says: “Now it is time for America to bind the wounds of division, have to get together, to all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together as one united people.”
What he means: you can either become a bigot like me, or get out. Your call, but Canada can only hold so many so I’d stick around and get yourself a gun if I were you. Please ignore the fact that these ‘wounds of division’ were prompted, if not created, by myself; now that the Nasty Woman is out of the picture I can stop bullying her and start bullying racial minorities instead.
What he says: “Working together we will begin the urgent task of rebuilding our nation and renewing the American dream.”
What he means: I’m going to make you forget about how soul-destroying the ‘American Dream’ was for post-depression America. I’ll use my money to make you think you’ve got lots of it. Also, if you’ve ever read Of Mice and Men it’s a lie. It’s a nasty book. Lies, the whole thing. When I’ve made America great again, the strong men who work all day on ranches will be rewarded.
With what, I haven’t decided yet. White privilege, maybe?
What he says: “We are going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals.”
What he means: the wall, Mexicans. I mentioned it earlier? Also, because I’m a businessman, I’ve decided to put too much of your money into buildings and services that will no doubt be directed solely towards the types of Americans I like.
What he says: “I want to tell the world community that while we will always put America’s interests first, we will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone.”
What he means: If you’re not American, fuck off. But even if you are American I can’t promise you’ll benefit from my presidency. You win some, you lose some, America: that’s business. (Hillary, remember when you lost a bid for office twice? #fail)
What he says: “We will seek common ground, not hostility; partnership, not conflict. And now I would like to take this moment to thank some of the people who really helped me with this, what they are calling tonight a very, very historic victory.”
What he means: I will round up the minorities and get them out so that the rest of us can live in peace and harmony. Also, I know fuck all about politics, being a businessman, so let me introduce some fellow straight, white men who actually know what they’re talking about.
What he says: “Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.”
What he means: I didn’t expect this… how do I run a country? I was just tempted by the sound of a WHITE house.
What he says: “The Secret Service people. They’re tough and they’re smart and they’re sharp and I don’t want to mess around with them, I can tell ya. And when I want to go and wave to a big group of people and they rip me down and put me back down in the seat, but they are fantastic people so I want to thank the Secret Service.”
What he means: When I become so absurd and unacceptable that people make serious attempts on my life, I expect men to throw themselves over me. I thank them in advance for potentially giving their lives for me. Also, watch this space, because the Secret Service will most likely be problematic for minorities in MY country, so keep an eye out. I’ll probably completely ignore the police violence that fills up the newspapers, too. When I say ‘make America great again’, I don’t mean all aspects of it. You’ll just have to deal with any inconveniences. Be sure to admire my fantastic new walls though – soon they’ll surround the entire country.