 “I’m being chased by Ostriches. RIGHT NOW. What should I do? (Time is a factor) [sent via Blackberry]”
Darling, there’s very little I can do right now as I lay here, woven deep in the fabric of this faux leather sofa, sucking remnants of last night’s questionable boy toy variant off my fingers. Your ostrich dilemma is not at the forefront of my concern.
But I am, nonetheless, hired to encourage you to survive, or whatever it is, so I suppose I should change into my lingerie and help you out.
Here are your options to consider:
1)    Turn around and scream. You’ll get destroyed, but it’s a badass way of going out, and if someone can film it and turn it into a gif, I could sleep happily tonight.
2)Â Â Â Â Throw your Blackberry at them, because Blackberry. Two birds (or however many), one shit stone.
3)Â Â Â Â Realise your futility and stop, your back still facing them, eyes closed, awaiting for death to wrap his feathered claws around you, clasp your buttocks tight and hope the tension sucks in everything around you, including every ostrich in your vicinity.
4)Â Â Â Â Just, die.
Hope this helps, it probably won’t, but what do I care.
Hugs and kisses, Pea Bo x
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