Stacey Warner talks from personal experience about what it’s like when a relative comes out as transgender.
The past year and a half has been an unusual one for our family. There are a number of reasons but one is that my brother, Ace, came out to us as being Transgender. Ace was born Zoe Marie but identifies as male.
Although some years before he had come out as being a lesbian, it was a shock to the whole family to hear that our sister/daughter/granddaughter was actually our brother/son/grandson. There is a lot of advice on the internet about coming out but I thought I would lend my perspective on what to do when you’re on the receiving end.
1. Panic
No really. This step is important. We can’t control how we feel but we can control how we present it to others and how we rationalise our feelings. Panicking away from the person, in your own privacy, is a very good idea. Get all of your confusing and conflicting emotions out of the way so that you can start to think logically. Feel free to be angry. Feel free to be hurt or upset. Cry if you have to. Scream into a pillow if you have to. Calm yet? Good. Now we can move on.
DO:
- Go for a long walk in the fresh air
- Shut yourself in your room and listen to music
- Go for a drink down the pub and confide in your best friend
- Remember that it’s probably taken a lot of courage to tell you
DON’T:
- Panic in front of them
- React with hostility
- Tell the postman, the milkman, the nosey neighbour and everyone else. It is not your story to tell.
2. Communicate
Communicating is always important in life and yet scarily easy to get wrong. There are a couple of things you should try to do in this situation.
Firstly, thank them for confiding in you. You can guarantee it wasn’t easy and they were probably very scared of how you would react (no matter how nice you are).
Secondly, let them know they have your support no matter what.
Thirdly, process the thoughts from step one ( the bit where you panic) and form logical, rationalised questions. It’s ok to be curious. If you are still feeling quite emotional, try and plan your questions before speaking to them.
“What are your next steps?” for example, is a much nicer question than
“But why would you want an operation down there?” Practise some active listening. I.e, hear what they say and repeat it back to them. This will help you try and understand their point of view.
Lastly, ask them how you can support them. This is important because everyone’s journey is different and everyone will have come from different backgrounds. If they’re not coming out to everyone just yet, you could really put your foot in it by changing pronouns prematurely. However, if they are telling everyone, they might really appreciate you changing to he/she in front of others. If you don’t ask you can’t know.
Don’t worry if you don’t do these steps in order. You might react emotionally when they first tell you and cause offence. If this is the case, take a step back and take time to process your thoughts before apologising and demonstrating you know how you caused offence.
3. Act
Take on board what they have told you in step 2. Have they asked you to use “he” or “she”? Then do it. Never call somebody “it”. I have heard this done and it made me very angry. We call objects it, not people. Not everybody around is going to understand, so it’s really important you demonstrate you are on their side by supporting them not only around them, but in conversations with people that also know the situation.
If their next steps are counselling or hormone therapy, you can always ask if they would like company on appointments, be there as much as you can but always give them space if they need it.
4. Remember
- They are still the same person they always were.
- They still love you as much as they always have done
- This has been harder for them than we can possibly imagine.
But don’t just take my word for it… I decided to ask Ace some questions about his experience, here’s what he said:
Q: What was going through your head when you came out as Transgender?
A: This is a rather complicated question for me because I never really came out to everyone in one go or even really decided “okay I’m gonna come out today” . I started slowly telling close friends and online friends over time. I suppose the closest I ever got to an official coming out was when I publicly changed my name and officially stated I was Trans on Facebook. The main thoughts I had at the time were that I needed to be honest with all of these people, because I felt like I owed it to them and myself to be open about what was going on. Obviously there was some fear and nervousness but I knew most of them would be okay, maybe confused, about it, and anyone who had a problem I could just ignore. I was mostly worried that nobody would see it or care, because at this point I wanted these people to see me for who I really was, and if they had just ignored that completely I would’ve felt rather betrayed and isolated. I never had a proper coming out to my family. When I did start to mention it I was a bit concerned but I’d also gotten to this point mentally where even if they hadn’t accepted it at all I don’t think it would have stopped me or anything.
Q: What was the best experience you had of coming out?
A: Well, again I guess it was the coming out on Facebook. I never really use my Facebook regularly (more of a Tumblr person) and I was never very popular a school or college, so most of the people I had as friends on Facebook had drifted very far from me. So when I made a status about it I assumed it might get a few likes and that would be it, if anything. But it ended up getting over 200 likes and another 100 supportive comments which genuinely amazed me. People I hadn’t spoken to in years, including people I was never close to, to begin with, commented and messaged me with support. It felt pretty good to be honest, and I got back into contact with a lot of people as a result. It was good to see a lot of genuine support from ordinary people within my generation. Gives me hope for the future.
Q: What was the worst? How did you deal with it?
A: Um, I was incredibly lucky to not actually have any negative coming out experiences when coming out as Trans, everybody I ever told was supportive overall. I mean there have been a few obligatory troll hate anon messages on Tumblr ever since, but that’s really normal stuff for Tumblr. I remember coming out as bisexual years before when I was in Senior School and I had more of a negative response back then actually. Although I do think this is more of an in-school-environment vs non-school-environment kind of thing, I’m sure if I had come out as Trans whilst at school it would have been even worse.
Q: What advice would you give for somebody hearing that somebody they love is Transgender?
A: Firstly educate yourself. I know it may seem like a rather cold thing to be my first response, but the fact of the matter is that if you don’t know anything about the Trans community or Gender Dysphoria then you’re gonna struggle both to understand and support. Secondly before even responding; Listen. And I mean really listen to what this person is telling you, listen to their point of view, try to empathize before making any snap decisions or judgement based on your pre-conceptions. And thirdly accept them, you may struggle to understand and you may be shocked, but if you truly love this person just remember that. Accept them for who they are, accept what they’re saying to you, accept and respect their preferred name and pronouns. I know it may be confusing and obviously you’re gonna mess up every now and then, but as long as you’re at least trying that’s all that matters.
If you want to hear more from Ace, you can follow him on Tumblr here: totorowilleatyou.tumblr.com
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