No Nonsense Agony Uncle: ‘I Don’t Want to Die Alone’

Dave Londis left school at 15, was imprisoned at 15 and a half, and after 4 more brushes with the law, decided to resign as a petty thief, and become an agony aunt. Now 45 years old, and totally alone, nobody knows relationship issues quite like our Dave…

How can I tell this girl I like how I feel? (Harry, 17, Kettering)
Well, Harry, from my experience, I can give you a solid list of ways that don’t work.  Anonymous letters, Spray painting it on her lawn, whispering into her bedroom window while she sleeps, stealing her car and then returning it covered in poetry, amongst others. Now maybe that was down to the quality of my poetry, but I think the best way is probably to just get her on her own and tell her how you feel. She can say no, and that’s gonna suck, but hey, you’ll get a bit of closure at least. Plenty more fish in the drainage canal!

My boyfriend keeps leaving the toilet seat up, and I started telling him to stop, and although it wasn’t a big deal the first time, his flat refusal to respect my wishes worries me. Please help! (Cherys, 27, Maidstone)
I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m not the best qualified man in the world to answer this since MDMAdrian nabbed the bog seat here at the halfway house for an “Evidence bonfire”. But your man should be listening to your needs, no matter how daft they are. If he is set on leaving the seat up, then he should be able to have an adult discussion about that shit, but if he can’t, then maybe he’s just leeching off you. Broach the subject again, and if he’s still childish about it, then give him the boot.

I feel so alone. I think I’ll never meet anyone who will accept me, and the idea of dying alone terrifies me (Sandy, 41, Leeds)
Sandy, love, I feel like this every fucking day. I think we all must do. first off don’t worry about it, I’m sure yer a great girl, who any man would be lucky to have, but maybe the problem is that you need to get yourself out there more. Go down the local billiards club, sit in the corner of your local reading a book, or just wander round town after midnight. I guarantee you you’ll meet a lot of interesting characters, which should help with your loneliness. If not, my number is 07342759024, give me a ring, and we’ll go Nando’s.

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