NETFLIX NASTIES: 3-Headed Shark Attack

A shark mutated by garbage goes on a rampage at an underwater research facility in this Asylum horror film. Some not-especially-important-to-the plot sexytime in a tent is intercut with unconvincing volleyball, then a guy challenges a woman to swim out to a buoy with the stakes being some not-especially-important-to-the-plot skinny-dipping as a not-especially-convincing CGI-animated 3-headed shark lurks nearby. He swims out to the buoy nude and wins the bet because a film executive probably made the astute observation that the hopes of nudity might keep people watching, and the shark eats the woman. As the shark attacks people watching the chaos on the beach, the nude guy on the buoy cries in a moment of absurd pathos, and this interrupts the tent sexytime.

Just so everyone is up to speed, we’ve had 3 topless women in 7 minutes of film. Don’t get too excited, because the nudity comes to a screeching halt.

An unconvincing professor explains that the cast is in an unconvincing research facility that’s a half-a-mile underwater which seems very unlikely, and people talk on phones and make copies as though they aren’t amidst stock footage of actual scientists researching coral reefs and poorly animated CGI mutant sea-life in aquariums in an unconvincing specimen room.

Suddenly, the mutant sea-life begins to inexplicably sense the approach of the 3-headed shark which seems unlikely as the action cuts to shots of underwater garbage such as caution tape and ziplock bags. The cast goes topside, which doesn’t seem to take very long considering they’re half-a-mile underwater, and someone gets eaten as joggers run by, which isn’t particularly surprising considering the set appears to be a seaside park. Then the shark inexplicably eats a guy sitting on a toilet. I’m not sure why. Then someone says, ‘Elevated radiation levels from the garbage patch jams the signal from time to time’, which seems really science-y. The cast looks at TV screens in a worried manner as a guy radios for help, neither of which are especially convincing, then things unconvincingly explode, probably to keep viewers watching in lieu of more nudity.

As the 3-headed shark attacks the research facility, someone attempts to swim to the only available boat as the cast looks off into the distance in a worried manner and the camera cuts back over and over again, then another guy attempts to swim out to the only available boat, and then another, and then another, and this takes up about 8 minutes of screen time and it’s not especially interesting. When the survivors of the attack finally reach the boat, they try to radio the Coast Guard but reach Danny Trejo instead, and the boom operator is visible in the little windshield of the boat as the 3-headed shark eats beer cans and becomes insane which apparently happens to 3-headed sharks.

Suddenly, the 3-headed shark decides to attack a steamboat-shaped booze cruise filled with bikini-clad collegiate partiers because it’s in the script. As it eats the partying, disposable extras, a sailor tepidly apologizes for the ship’s lack of lifeboats as the unnamed cast acrobatically leaps from the ship. The shark flings itself upon the bow of the ship and eats three sailors simultaneously because of all the heads, then it magically reappears in the water circling the ship, somehow changing size due to some less-than-spectacular CGI. New characters are introduced because the film was rapidly losing the old ones through 3-headed-shark-based attrition, and a ponytailed guy wearing socks and sandals tries to save one of them by chopping a door with an ax. Bloody, unconscious college students lie helpless amidst the carnage of toppled plastic furniture as the 3-headed shark finally causes the ship to sink, and not a moment too soon.

Suddenly, a bandana-wearing character wielding an ax leaps from the sinking ship and attacks the 3-headed shark, and then rides it like a surfboard because why not, and it’s pretty blurry because a focused camera is the least of anyone’s concern during some gnarly waves. After a boom shadow makes a cameo appearance, Danny Trejo shows up with a whole bunch of guns because it’s in the script, and the cast gets on yet another boat as a member of the film crews tries to stay out of the shot by crouching behind the helm but fails. Danny Trejo hacks at the 3-headed shark with a machete because he was once in a movie named after one, and the film meanders around a while and finally ends.

3-Headed Shark Attack has wooden acting, not-so-special special effects, and a terrible script, which seems to be two dreadful films duct taped together, both of which seem to include a 3-headed shark. A completely different set of characters is introduced at about the halfway point because most of them have been unconvincingly eaten, and the cast often seems to just look off at something interesting in the distance, and I’m guessing they’re watching a better movie. The film crew is often visible in reflective surfaces, and boom shadows appear although they probably should’ve passed on this particular project. Danny Trejo is given top billing although he isn’t in it very much, which was a savvy move on his part. It’s dreary and nonsensical, but mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.