I remember sitting in White Hart Lane traffic with my Dad after a 2-1 win over Leeds. We were listening to 606 when one of my chirpy Spurs brothers rang up and spuriously claimed: “In a few years Helder Postiga will be as good as Ronaldo”.
Like a middle class mummy who doesn’t want their kids watching Teletubbies because it dumbs down, Dad swiftly turned off the radio. But, it was too late. Since that moment I’ve known Spurs fans are morons.
When Spurs beat Chelsea for the first time since 1990, a boy in the year above got on the bus, bear hugged me and exclaimed “It’s over, it’s over, the curse is over!” He then insisted that I accompany him on a journey around the school to high-five fellow Spurs fans and deride all the “Chelsea scum”. I couldn’t help but think I was reveling in idiocy.
2. People who support a different team to their family
I’ve always been suspicious of people who fall under this category. Like kids who calls their parents by their first name, it gives off the sinister impression that something is not right in this household.
Take Piers Morgan for example, he loves to go on about the fact his Dad is a Spurs fan.
How big a cunt are you? Seriously, Morgan, you’ve done a lot of shit in your time but this is just the height of disrespect to your paps. Every time you type one of your wonderfully insightful Arsenal tweets, I hope you realise that you’re giving a big fuck you to the man who raised you. Knowing you, you probably told him on his birthday.
When Arsenal won the league at White Hart Lane, at least my Dad and I were able to console each other, to reassure one another that it was never going to get any worse than this (how wrong we were). Not you though Piers, you were probably parading around Islington going on about how much you love Wenger before you turned on him as well.
3. Moist eyed self-entitled Newcastle Fan
Yes you love your club, well shock horror, so does every supporter in the history of the game.
I remember getting a taxi in Newcastle and the bloke just wouldn’t stop going on about “a cockney cancer” that has infected the football club. It’s this kind of nonsensical hyperbole that makes the sight of topless Geordies crying so amusing.
Apart from your brief stint in the Championship, being a Newcastle fan isn’t all that bad is it? I want so desperately to have a soft spot for you guys but your notion that you are somehow entitled success just because you have great fans is laughable.
4. The pretentious smug foreign football fan
Let me just make it clear that this is not some kind of xenophobic “I don’t get this tippy tappy nonsense, ain’t no league like the Premiership” rant.
The Premier League is not the epicenter of all footballing excitement. La Liga, Seria A and Ligue 1 hold just as many thrills and spills as your average BPL match up.
However, just because you keep abreast of other leagues besides the Premiership, it does not mean you need to walk around with some smug look on your face like you’ve done extra reading around your subject at University.
You’ve just watched more football, not read Ulysses. Your opinion on the modern game is not somehow more valid because you’ve memorised Sid Lowe’s segment on The Guardian podcast and stayed up late to watch Elche VS Granada.
5. The Comedian
The comedian generally appears in World Cup years and is usually somebody who doesn’t really watch football. The comedian has either been roped into it or got a dose of World Cup fever and has decided that they will not only watch all the games with you, but they will provide a series of running gags for your enjoyment.
They live under the misguided impression that they can compensate for their lack of tactical insights with a series of amusing observations that generally revolve around quoting Alan Partridge, saying things like “well done football”, “well footballed” and shouting inane and pointless comments at the ref.
I don’t know what it is about football that attracts these wise guys but their comedy is not appreciated here, it’s just plain rudeness.
6. Wenger Hating Arsenal Fans
I’m not sure why I’ve got such a downer on the Wenger Out! Brigade. It’s probably because (1) let’s face it, they’re Arsenal fans and (2) Piers Morgan seems to have elected himself spokesperson for the anti-Wenger cabal.
It can’t be blamed totally on my Spurs allegiances, the Wenger hating Arsenal fan is perhaps the ultimate example of the fickle nature of fandom, a mark of how quickly we forget.
Invading the pitch to taunt him or waiting at a train station to hound him with insults is no way to treat a man who put your club on the map. I would love it if Wenger just responded to one of Piers Morgan’s tweets with a swift “Fuck off I went a season unbeaten”.
7. The Football Manager Tactician
Okay, so you’ve taken Ashton United from the Northern Premier League to Champions League glory, well done you. That doesn’t mean you should suddenly be given a raised platform to air your tactical opinions. Remember just because you are shit hot at Black Ops does not mean you should be working for the CIA.
Sparking up a fatty, ordering a pizza, and occasionally putting a tie on for the big games sadly is no way to procure your coaching badges.
8. Overzealous West Ham Fans
West Ham did not win the World Cup.
Nobody cares about Trevor Brooking’s header.
You’re not as passionate as you think you are and if you are, that’s just sad.
Whichever arsehole started the trend of romanticising West Ham in every film about football ever made, I hope you know that you have successfully glamorized football hooliganism and given West Ham fans the misguided apprehension that they are the best fans in the world.
9. SPL Fans
I’m not knocking you for being a fan of the SPL, but if you’re the kind of guy who clutters sports writers’ inboxes with whiney emails about the lack of SPL coverage, then you more than deserve your place in this list.
The Scottish League is a joke, the Celtic manager might as well sit on a deck chair, sip a cocktail and smoke a cigar on the touchline. It’s the only job in football where you should be allowed to apply based on your Football Manager credentials.
10. Southern United Fans
A pretty obvious choice but you can’t just pick your team based on who is doing the best at the time.
I hope you are aware that when we hear your southern drawl singing “come on you mighty red”, you are being very harshly judged and true United fans are embarrassed by you. As long as you can sleep at night knowing that you never truly belong and your footballing opinion will never be taken seriously, then I guess support Manchester United if you must.
Editor’s note: Let’s not forget these dickheads.
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