Each one of us can look back on a time in our lives when Sean Bean has died and be overcome with joy, sadness and a bit of annoyance at a particular Uruk-Hai. But why does he refuse to accept that boat across the River Styx?
Time and time again, the Blade of Sheffield returns to us after being felled and he doesn’t seem to have any kind of complex about it. If I was seemingly immortal, I’d be almost definitely be slightly Christ-like, pretending to turn water into wine but just having a flask of Ribena and a smoke capsule concealed on my person before being kicked out of Wetherspoons.
He doesn’t make a big deal out of it either, unlike Jesus. The Bean is as humble as ever and is reportedly found down his local, munching on some Wheat Crunchies and cooing to two Bull Mastiffs most weeknights. As I prefer Sean Bean to Jesus Christ, here’s a list complied to show his top deaths.
WARNING: SPOILER HEAVY
5. Red Riding Trilogy – Mean Bean
Alright, so he definitely deserved this one. The Swan-sellotaping shit.
Portraying a corrupt arsehole by the name of John Dawson during the time of the Yorkshire Ripper, this role showed the darker side of the Bean as his character was deeply meshed with the seedy underbelly of police corruption in 1974.
He also liked to murder young girls and put swan wings on them.
Andrew Garfield was the real star in this mini-series though and it was he that put an end to Bean’s scheming and all round dickishness in pretty straightforward fashion.
4. Black Death – Lean Bean
Never a chirpy subject matter, the black plague that engulfed medieval times killed many people with one of those being our boy Bean.
A man of principle, honour and eventually no limbs, Ulric devoted himself to God’s work and the relentless hunting of supposed witches. In Black Death, he and his band of grizzled chums arrive at Carice van Outen’s village, the actress who portrays Melisandre in Game of Thrones (more on that one later) and all is not what it seems.
It’s not as it seems because Sean Bean’s been disguising the fact he has the disease, the silly, mump-y bastard. As an apt punishment, Bean is pulled apart by horses.
3. Goldeneye – Cool Beans
A well as being the best person to play as on multiplayer in the N64 game of the same name, Sean Bean’s character in Goldeneye met a grisly but admittedly deserved end.
As the former partner turned nemesis of James Bond, he was always going to run into some issues when it came to staying alive. Pierce Brosnan running that tank into a lake before drowning was never the way that Alec Trevelyan would come out on top and with Bean’s propensity for the afterlife, there could only be one winner.
After quite a lot of fumbling and tumbling, the turncoat agent is cast arse over tit to the bottom of a satellite dish which then dramatically falls on him in a scene sure to have been replayed over and over again on any 90’s kid’s VHS.
2. Game of Thrones – Honourable Bean
No-one could have seen this one coming in the beginning of this hit show. Unless, of course, you’ve devoted potentially years of your life to reading the books in the A Song of Ice and Fire series which are so thick that Galactus can be killed by chucking one at his dead eyes.
This list so far has been mostly about Sean Bean meeting his deserved end but this is one of those great exceptions where he was a pure beacon of honour, passion and all that is right. But at the end of the first season, as is always the way, he has his head lopped off by an incest-spawned, Aryan king-sized dickhead for being a bit of a nosy nelly.
When will he ever learn.
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – The Crying Bean
“There are some things that time cannot mend… some hurts that go too deep…”
Truer words have never been said by a hairy, little person. Not even by Ray Mears and he knows all about the mental torment that beavers go through day after day.
It’s more than 10 years to the day since I witnessed Boromir take that first arrow to the chest and by God, it still gets me even now. The redemption he tries to attain while wading through swathes of marauding alpha-orcs to save the little ginger Ant & Dec is just too much to bear with each manly tear that drops on my Sharpe bed linen.
Particular praise has to go the heartfelt exchange between Aragorn and Boromir whilst he nears his last breath which is by far and away the best performance of his career and his number 1 death of all time.
The Bean was not to be deterred by his lack of life though and returned a year later in the quite shitetacular Don’t Say a Word. And then he passed from this world into the next again. Oh well, onto the next one. Bean was next seen in the cult classic Equilibrium in which he por—ah. Yep. Shot in the head through a Yeats book.
It’s probably easier to just show you this death reel below and whoever can correctly guess which films the man from Sheffield hasn’t died in, I will instantly call a damn liar.
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