Given that Blair Witch is just a glorified reboot of a film that was really just ‘lightning in the bottle’ when it was released, it seemed like a good time to look back at other completely pointless reboots and remakes. But let me be clear, a lot of the films that you’re very probably thinking of right now aren’t on this list and that’s because most of them actually weren’t pointless, or even failures. Many of them (Texas Chainsaw, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc) made back their budgets and then some. They weren’t pointless to me – because they were all big hits. Oh sure, I think (as do many others) that they sucked, but they weren’t pointless. The whole point of a reboot/remake is:
1. To give new storytellers a chance to tell an old story in a new way.
2. To use the goodwill of the original in an effort to make money.
If they succeed at one of or both of these, then the film isn’t pointless. Granted, most horror remakes only pass number two but since the film industry is an industry, that’s really all that matters. There are two or three exceptions here that do (just about) accomplish the above points but are such average films that no one even remembers them. And that might be an even worse offense.
So, the ten films that follow (in no particular order) are the films that really were pointless. Critics hated them and they flopped. How much more pointless can a film get?
1. The Wolfman (2010)
This remake of the 1941 film probably would have been a good idea under different circumstances. Those circumstances being that they hadn’t spent an absolutely absurd amount of money on a film that couldn’t ever justify said amount. $150 million this film cost. It’s mind-blowing; who made that call? Who said that Wolfman was definitely going to make at least $400 million worldwide and justify this outrageous budget? A critical and commercial flop that really shouldn’t have been. Had they spent a normal amount on it – say $30 million (and even that is high end for a horror film) then this would have been a big hit. But no. Someone high up must have really loved the original film to justify that budget.
2. The Blob (1988)
Not a particularly well known horror film but still as pointless as the rest that are gathered here; although it fared reasonably well with critics, the film bombed and failed to break even at the box office. It was praised for its visual effects though, so perhaps not quite as pointless as many others here.
3. Psycho (1998)
Infamous for being perhaps one of the most pointless remakes ever – it’s an almost shot for shot remake of the original Hitchcock classic. But it doesn’t add anything or do anything unique at all. In fact, it somewhat takes away from the classic horror. Audiences saw through this desperate cash grab and the film lost $22 million for the studio that thought this travesty was a good idea. Shot for shot remakes are almost always a bad idea.
4. House of Wax (2005)
It didn’t make too much money,very slim profits and it was reviewed negatively by critics. I watched this film a couple of years ago and I can’t remember a thing about it. Being a completely forgettable film is probably a far worse crime than a shot for shot remake. Though I suppose the fact that Psycho is a bad remake of a very famous film helps it to be more memorable than House of Wax. The prior two House of Wax films aren’t as well loved and remembered as Hitchcock’s Psycho.
5. The Thing (2011)
This reboot (in the sense that it tried to revive a dormant/kickstart a new franchise) leads directly into the original film. It was interesting and I found it marginally enjoyable but it still failed miserably and nothing ever came of all the effort to try and start a new monster franchise. Again, box office flop and critical failure.
6. Dark Water (2005)
The most pointless thing about this film is how quickly it came out after the original. There’s only a gap of three years between the Japanese original film and this American remake. Obviously they did it to appeal to the American marketplace, but in the end it didn’t particularly appeal even to them. It barely made back its budget at the box office and was neither loved nor hated by critics. This is one of those films that just sort of exists.
7. Dark Shadows (2012)
Johnny Depp hasn’t really been doing too well these last few years (minus the blip that was Black Mass – that was fantastic). His films are flopping left, right and centre and the details of his personal life have been less than savoury. Dark Shadows can’t be called an outright failure. It did manage to break even despite it’s hefty $150 million budget, but the film’s poor reviews coupled with the fact that Depp hadn’t really made a decent film for a while, all amount to press coverage that buried this film and it has ultimately (mostly) been forgotten.
8. Day of the Dead (2008)
A remake of Romero’s zombie trilogy, basically no one saw this film. $18 million budget and it made just over $300,000. I’ve never heard of a film flop so bad. Okay, there are films with much bugger budgets than have flopped much harder, but for a horror film to flop this much? Especially a remake of such a popular series? Very odd. Perhaps it was the timing. Perhaps the marketing was non existent. In any case, if no one sees your film, there’s not really much point in that film existing, is there? Especially if barely anyone sees it when it was intended for theatrical release. Absolutely a pointless film.
9. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2010)
I actually sort of dug this film. It was entertaining. I think I even found it scary. But the thing is, I’d completely forgotten about it before doing research for this article. You’ll notice that many of these films have a lot in common. And even though I’ve said it a bunch of times, the point still stands – if it didn’t make (or make much) money and it didn’t do particularly well with the critics, in the film industry it’s kind of a pointless film.
10. The Wicker Man (2006)
I’m torn on this now famous remake. Because, in some ways, it wasn’t pointless. It’s given the internet a whole host of unintentionally hilarious scenes to rewatch. We love to take the mick out of this film. It’s dire. It’s so god-damned awful. But we do get a kick out of it because it is so bad. So in that sense, I’m glad it exists and that it was so awful. On the other hand, its creators probably did find the film to be pointless in the end. It flopped and it sucked. But, most importantly, it helped to solidify Nicolas Cage as a bit of a laughing stock. The bees. That’s all that needs to be said.
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