Due to a hectic agenda over the past fortnight; I have just finished watching the eagerly awaited third season of OITNB. Whilst I may have arrived a little late to the grumpy party, when you begin to despise the central character of a show that you’re becoming invested in, it’s time to speak up.
Warning: Spoilers.
Piper Chapman deserves the death sentence. She is rapidly poisoning the once great comedy/drama, with her character that bears all the appeal of a soggy napkin.
Piper is a turncoat – she’s straight onto Alex when she can’t be with Larry, and straight on to Stella the moment that Alex isn’t ‘being hot’. Worse yet, she actually mocks Alex’s legitimate concerns over her safety, abandoning her at a time when she needs her most. Although Alex has previously hinted that she has come to expect that sort of disloyal behaviour from her, surely if a person that you love (in whatever capacity) is in distress, you would immediately want to comfort them and be by their side. It seems that all Little Miss Soggy Napkin desires is power and attention, but has done little to deserve it.
If you love someone, set them free. Unless that person is Alex Vause. Get her back in jail and make her love you again. Then ditch her for the new hot inmate.
– Piper, probably.
In season three, we have seen Piper’s scheming and vindictive side, which I can’t help hoping will lead to her eventual downfall – she is getting too big for her yard boots. Although it was a much more interesting twist from the weak girl who couldn’t survive without Alex, she’s acting like a big shot and demanding respect which she hasn’t earned. Of course this backfires a little when she finds out that Stella has stolen her money, but then she retaliates in the most over-the-top, ridiculous wannabe gangster style in placing ALL of the contraband that she could find amongst Stella’s things. Was it really about the money though, or just another case of wanting to control the people around her?
Now, I know that not all protagonists have to be likeable and relatable – but shouldn’t we still feel willing to follow them on their journey? I feel like I jumped off the Piper train a long time ago. At the moment, you could give me literally any other character (although preferably, Poussey). When Stella referred to her as the hot girl, I almost sniggered. Piper is plain-looking. She is not necessarily unattractive, but there’s certainly no striking features there.
On top of this, she is just plain boring. Why would the central character be so dull? If I was at Litchfield, I’d much rather be in the company of Cindy and Taystee with their crazy outbursts and energetic personalities and Poussey’s wild imagination than a dead-eyed, arrogant white girl from a middle-class background. Piper represents exactly how I would not want to come across in a multicultural setting. Whilst I understand that this is intentional, Piper is supposed to be annoying, shouldn’t it be comical or interesting to watch? Even Brook Soso manages to gain a few chuckles from the audience and empathy from some inmates with her naturally irritating middle-class neo-hippy personality.
The only time Piper isn’t painfully dull to watch is when she is doing something either morally questionable or just plain evil. Her most exciting moment was probably when she beat the daylights out of Pennsatucky – but could still be used as an example of the spoilt girl going too far when she doesn’t get her own way. Still, at least Pennsatucky became a better person for it – Piper is at best tolerable.
Unfortunately, I was a little too late to write the review of season three, but if I could have three wishes for the future of OITNB, they would go like this:
1. Get rid of Piper.
2. Bring Nicky back.
3. Poussey for president.
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