Cultured Vultures Solve Age Old Murder Mysteries

After the interesting news that Jack the Ripper was apparently Aaron Kosminski, insane polish immigrant, I decided to run some theories of my own by you wonderful people.

 

The Murders of Andrew and Abby Borden

In 1892, Abby and Andrew Borden were discovered dead in their home. They had both suffered significant axe wounds to the heads. Shortly after, their daughter, Lizzie Borden was tried for their murder but eventually acquitted of the charges.

Here’s my theory:

It was the servant. (Of course). Secretly, the servant had been sneaking around collecting supplies and one night she went down to the bottom of the garden and conducted a dark and evil spell. As she chanted ominously, an enchanted Axe appeared. Within the next 24 hours, the axe took on a life of it’s own and brutally took the lives of Andrew and Abby Borden. The servant then blamed the daughter, claiming to hear her laughter in the house on the day of their deaths.

 

The Black Dhalia

One of the most prolific unsolved murders of all time. Discovered dead in LA, the once beautiful Elizabeth Short was discovered a Glasgow smile torn across her face, her body in half and several chunks of flesh missing.Her still unsolved murder has been the subject of many films and books.

Here’s my theory:

There are many theories surrounding who may have done it. However, I’m certain, that it was a man from the East End of London called Roger. Roger was a right regular cockney lad who suffered terrible blackouts. One day, he woke up in LA. The next in Timbuktu. Of course, when he got back to London, he discovered he’d gathered a rather strange collection of blood stained instruments. In the end he cleaned them up and sold them for £15 and threepence.

 

The Moonlight Murders

In 1946, a series of killings gripped the town of Texarkana. The killer attacked 8 people in total, 5 of which were killed. The first two victims were the only ones to get sight of the killer… A 6 ft man whose face was covered by a white mask with only wholes for his eyes and mouth. The killer was never identified.

Here’s my theory:

The killer had a dreadful curse. He had a mask for a face. Born in India, he fell in love easily as a young adult but his coarse mask skin was rough when kissing and his relationships never lasted long. He ran away to America to start over but soon found himself haunted by dreams of his long lost loves. Driven demented by by heartbreak, his nightmares would drive him to attack local women. When sanity caught up with him and he realised what he’d done, he had no choice but to run for the hills and hide from humanity forever.

 

Bible John

Off to wee Scotland for this one.. In the 1960s a series of “biblical” killings took place. Three menstruating women were killed by a young man who reportedly quoted the bible fanatically. All three were strangled and found next to feminine products. A bizarre and harrowing case.

Here’s my theory:

…But making it even stranger is when you realise that he was in fact an alien. Coming to Earth, he tried to understand the ways of mankind and mistakenly took The Bible for a guide. He then met an expert, a Priest, who believed the Alien was a second coming and there to rid the world of impurities. Teaching the Alien that this was what he needed to do on earth, the Alien committed these atrocities. The moment the political powers of his home planet found out what had happened, they picked him back up and imprisoned him for five light years.

 

Pimlico Mystery

In the mid 1800s, a man was found with a lethal amount of chloroform in his stomach. His wife and her lover were arrested having bought a significant amount of chloroform. HOWEVER,  they were then acquitted. There were no burns on the mans throat which there would have to be if he had been forced to swallow it. This one really is a mystery and I’d love to hear your serious theories. But as I’m not that intelligent, here’s my non serious one.

Before Sweeney Todd started experimenting with human pies, Mrs Lovett experimented with Chloroform as a thickener for her meat pies gravy. Enticing the poor man in, she offered him a batch of free pies in return for his feedback. Greedily he accepted them and guzzled them all down as soon he was home. He consumed the pies so quickly there was no time for Chloroform to burn the throat. When he didn’t return, she realised there was no long standing business potential in the chloroform plan and went back to her horrible meat pies. Until, of course, she met Mr Todd.

So how do you think I did? Alien religious fanatics, sleepwalking serial killers… I think they’re likely myself. And if you disagree? Well I’ve learnt a few things about murder tonight…