California’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law: We Are Fucked as a Species

You may not have heard of a California lawyer named Matthew McLaughlin, but he is clearly hoping to change that soon. Not content to just secretly rub one out each night to 1980s bodybuilding videos (I’m just guessing here), McLaughlin is trying to grab some headlines with what is being called the Sodomite Suppression Act. The bill is looking to garner some serious momentum over the next few months. Although we would like to imagine that it will die the fiery, permanent death that all hateful, disgusting things should die, unfortunately, we as a species have to take this proposed bill seriously.

Because someone beyond this shit demon with moderate human-like features will take it seriously.

Because we just can’t bring McLaughlin to the public square (actual location TBA), declare him to be a stupid fucking meat puppet of the highest order, bathe his body in tar, and smack him about for a couple of hours with pillows filled with bricks and messy feathers.

Because we can’t have nice things.

Ever.

I know, I know, you’re probably asking yourself “Isn’t this, uhm, psychotically unconstitutional?”

You would be right.

Nonetheless, because this is America, we have to take this seriously. At the very least, we have to pay attention to it. We have to, because if you have money and an internet connection, you can find wildly unwell fucksticks to join your dumbass cause, and you can force the rest of us to pause in our misguided hope that humanity can collectively redeem itself, stare at you, and understand that we will never give up drinking.

With nods to a week-long binge of meth and Monty Python’s Flying Circus (again, I’m guessing here), McLaughlin would like to make it illegal for individuals or groups to distribute anything that might qualify as “gay propaganda.” The specifics of what might qualify as “gay propaganda” are a little fuzzy at the moment, but I’m assuming that if the bill goes through, you probably won’t be able to loan your friend your Glee or Tango and Cash DVDs. Under McLaughlin’s breathtakingly stupid, ugly bill, doing either of those things could end with penalties along the lines of jail time, or, if the courts are feeling generous, a straightforward one-million dollar fine.

“This is fucking horrifying,” you’re probably saying.

You’re right. It is fucking horrifying.

But it gets better.

And by better, I mean you’re probably going to want to take a nap afterwards.

Or just finish that inter-dimensional transporter you’ve been working on in your spare time.

McLaughlin’s bill doesn’t just want to imprison and fine those devious gays and other undesirables. There is a delightful clause that additionally suggests the execution of gay people through “bullets to the head, or by any other convenient method.” McLaughlin isn’t picky on this idea. The government can take care of it (I’m sure some GOP cats can get on board), or any ordinary citizen with a gun and a fondness for violent hate crimes can pick up the slack. It’s good that this thing at least has some wiggle room going for it.

In spite of the fact that even the most homophobic piece of waste isn’t actively interested in the genocide of the LGBTQ community, the bill is still garnering attention. Most of us can agree that this is the kind of thing that would be darkly humorous, if it weren’t real, but the law still requires that if the bill meets certain requirements, then it must be taken seriously. McLaughlin has done everything legally required of him, sending his proposal through the proper channels, and paying the request fee. At this juncture, the initiative will now circulate to garner the 366, 000 signatures required for an appearance on a California state ballot. This would also be the point in which the California Supreme Court would rule as to whether or not the measure is in keeping with the guidelines of the Constitution.

It’s not. If you’re not super-clear on what’s constitutional, and what sounds like the machinations of a Frank Miller comic book villain, that’s okay. It’s not constitutional. At all.

The fact that the bill almost certainly won’t get those signatures is a small comfort. That an individual who actually managed to pass the bar for his state could get attention along the lines of articles like this one far outweighs the likelihood that this bill will die, as most dangerously unfunny bills do. After all, people who are only one or two rungs behind McLaughlin on the Oh-My-Fucking-God-These-Monsters-Are-Real Ladder presently hold positions of power in Congress and other government institutions.

It’s not hard to imagine why people within the LGBTQ community are, to put it mildly, a little wary that people like McLaughlin can get as far as they can presently get. The social and political climate for things like LGBTQ rights is arguably better now than it has ever been. We should keep this in mind, but we also shouldn’t forget that with each passing year, it seems like McLaughlin types are picking up their own twisted brand of momentum, as well.

Presently, there is an effort to have McLaughlin disbarred. It has a pretty good chance at being successful, even though I understand they’re currently overstocked to a dizzying degree, over at the Matthew McLaughlin Clone Factory.