I haven’t sipped from the Devil’s Cup for over two years now and I can honestly say that I have never felt better; physically and mentally. Don’t worry though, this listicle isn’t a rehash of an episode of Sally Jesse Raphael.
Having turned teetotal, I keep hearing the same things over and over again. Now, I have nothing against drinking or drinkers themselves: my quitting of the sauce stems from a bit of over-familiarity between myself and alcohol, in all honesty. You can be assured that I bring you these five commonly heard things with no agenda to “convert” you or whatever – it just is what it is.
Fucking annoying.
1. “You don’t drink? You’re crazy.”
Really? Really? I’m crazy?
For not effectively putting poison inside myself and a heavily-taxed poison at that, I am the crazy one? Yeah, clearly I lick insoles and snort felt tip pens in my spare time.
2. “Go onnnnnn, just one won’t hurt!” *hiccups*
This is the most annoying thing to hear as an ex-drinker and especially when they mention it several times on a single night out. I am okay with my Britvic and gentle headbop, thank you.
Inevitably, the same person will come up to you later in the night and commend you for being brave. This guy might become your Best Man.
3. “God, you must be so boring/bored.”
Nope.
It’s amazing what time you can fit in to get shit done when you’re not slizzered off your tits at 1am, harassing the kebab guy with a spork because he’s been a bit of a prude with the garlic mayo.
Jury’s still out on the former though. Unless you call sitting in bed all day and hissing at sunlight boring, I am a pretty cool guy.
4. “Man up.”
There’s nothing “Ooh, ducky” about being teetotal, about walking into a pub after a rugby match, and ordering a tap water at a bar packed full of big ugly bastards wearing warpaint. That, my friend, takes confidence, yeah? I’m talking balls.
Pretty much.
5. “I wish I could quit.”
Put down the wine, stop playing the Seal records and just do it then.
Instead of lamenting to me over your lack of willpower, try another habit instead. I eat 100 custard creams a day and sure, I may be less healthy than I was when I drank (have chest pains right now as I type this, funnily enough) BUT BY GOD, am I a richer man.
Non-drinker and keep hearing people tell you the same things too? Be sure to leave a comment below.
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